So what if I am?

If you found out something you never knew about a person, would you think less of them? That is not to say, would you think less of that person if they were a murderer or a child molester. I'm talking about something that would normally never come up in the context of your friendship or relationship, whether it be casual or business. If you found out a co-worker was gay would you think less of them as an individual? Do you think that they would less capable of doing their job after you found out they were gay, or do you think that would change anything other than your perception of that person. What if the person wasn't gay, but devoutly religious. Would that change the person's capabilities? What if that person was an atheist? Would that change them in your eyes? Would you think differently about those people in said circumstances?

I am an atheist. I get tired of people declaring what they 'know' about atheists without actually taking the time to talk to those they are judging. So what if I don't subscribe to any belief system. Does that make me less of a person? Does that make me a less caring or empathetic individual? Does that make me a person without morals or a person that cares for nothing but myself?

I like to think of myself as a reasonable individual. I like to think of myself as rational. One is not always rational, especially in moments of emotion. One of the problems I have the hardest time understanding is that when some individuals feel it necessary to put labels upon people when they have no understanding of the person they are labeling. I've heard too often that atheists cannot understand love. They only lust. If you don't follow (flavor of religion), you will never understand what love is. That's what bothers me. How dare you tell me what I'm feeling unless you can be inside my skin.

I find it creepy that they project their own insecurities onto others. I don't know what love is because I'm not following your creepy death cult? I'm the one with problem? Are you feeling so insecure about your own relationships that you have to obsess about others relationships and accuse them of what you're feeling? If you spend your life living that way, I find it rather sad. It must be a terribly unsatisfying way to live, unless you get off of misery.

Personally, I don't see how my being an atheist has any bearing on anyone else's life but my own. I don't have to worry about a giant universal parent scolding me for what arbitrary conditions have been put down in some ancient book that was made hundreds of years ago by a bunch of goat herders in the middle of nowhere. I could care less about things like that. I have a set of parents. I lived according to their wishes for 18 years. I'm an adult now and I don't need parental supervision, especially of the celestial type.

I don't feel the need to go tell everyone about my good deeds or whatnot. I work with senior citizens. So what. They love me to death. They don't love me to death because I subscribe to one religion or another. I don't do favors for them and give them aid because I subscribe to a religion. I do these things not because I want to feel better than others. I do these things because it's my job. I'm paid to give these people attention and assist them when needed. That doesn't make me a good person. That makes me human. I give them understanding and aid. That's not because I have some eternal threat of punishment over my head either. It's not for some goal that will make me feel smug and superior. I don't feel smug or superior because I did my job. Why the hell should I?

The reason I ended up in this job isn't a big mystery either. I needed work. Plain and simple. I like to think I'm capable of doing my job, and the fact that I've managed to stay employed in the same place for over 11 years goes to show that I'm doing something right. I do my job. I respect those I am here to help. Respect and understanding have nothing to do with religion. Love has nothing to do with religion. Love is what I feel for my spouse. Love is what I feel for my family and friends. Honestly those who argue that atheists know nothing but lust frankly disgust me. I don't lust after my family and friends. That's just fucking wrong. I'm not going to say that there aren't times I've lusted after my husband, but hey, I'm not in a marriage to be celibate. If I wanted that, I'd have you know, joined a religion that makes one feel bad for natural urges.

And I'm sorry that you have to spend your days trying to make others feel bad. It must be nice to feel so... smug and superior about your zombie cult. It must be nice to spend your days putting down others to make yourself feel better about your own failings in life. Atheists don't know what they're missing. They'll never know how much (flavor of deity) loves them because they cannot love or care. They just know how to destroy. You know what? Fuck you. FUCK. YOU. You don't know me. You don't want to know me. You just want to sit up there on your high horse and try to make everyone feel bad. Troll harder, cuz I don't believe in your god. Hell, I don't believe in any god. I don't care to. Nothing you do or say will change that for me. Please stop wasting your breath on me. You have emotional issues? Deal with them and quit projecting them on others. I don't care if you don't think I'm a moral person. I don't care if you think anything about me. I honestly don't. I have thick skin. But so what if I don't believe in any god. What difference does that make? How has that changed any of my relationships? It hasn't. It never has had an impact on anything. Those who have a problem with my lack of faith are the ones with an issue. I'm the same person I always was. If you don't like it, you don't need to come around.

How the fuck do people like this even get jobs?

I wouldn't say that what I do for a living is terribly skill intensive. There is a lot of physical work and it does take an ounce of intelligence and the ability to not lose your cool in an emergency. When the director isn't here, I or my counterparts on the other shifts, be it night or day are in charge of the entire building. We are responsible for making sure that those who live here are safe in the case of an emergency and seem to have the role of a catch-all for other mundane parts of this job. I work 12 hour shifts. There is someone there 24 hours a day, seven days a week doing the same job. It's not particularly easy to fill in when others get ill. There are only 4 people in that particular role. Two of us in the daytime and two at night. It's much harder to fill in for the night shift because not that many people can stay up all night and function normally. I have the gift for negligible amounts of sleep, so it's not all the surprising that I am able to fill in for any shift because I've worked both of them. I have the most seniority however and can pick my shift.

One of my co-workers, who works the night shift on the days I am off is ill. Now I'm not even going to get into that because if he stubs his toe it's the biggest event EVAR! Needless to say, he's one of the biggest drama queens I have even had the pleasure to meet. He's fine if EVERYONE IS LOOKING AT HIM AND GIVING HIM PRAISE. And he's fine if he's not obsessing over some stupid bullshit. I, being the kind and generous soul that I am, offered to work his shift because it's far easier to replace someone in the daytime because there are other people here and if you're going to work the night shift, you had better be able to stay awake and do your work.

I can, but it appears that not everyone who works the night shift here is able to understand that when you are at work you are not paid to nap. Especially if you are supposed to be watching Alzheimer's patients. If you don't understand Alzheimer's, do you really think that you should be working with them? The one thing about this is, while the Alzheimer's unit is a secure floor, the people I work for don't run the floor. My boss is not the one who hires and fires the staff that work up there. She is not their boss. The entire floor is run by an agency. There is very little I can do when their boss won't do what she should to correct any errors her employees make. If there's one thing I've learned from working here, it's that Alzheimer's is a very bad disease. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone, ever. It robs a person of many things, including their dignity at times. Unfortunately, this young lady apparently has never had to deal with someone who is a Sundowner. Sundowners have no concept of time and as with dementia, the person can be insistent, confused and downright mean at times. I've seen people afflicted by this quite a bit. It can be dealt with. And if you're working with Alzheimer's and dementia, you have to be patient. That person may ask you the same thing a million times. You cannot be angry with that person because they don't do it to be aggravating. They don't remember. Short term memory is affected with Alzheimer's and dementia.

Now when most people come to work, they don't bring their very young children with them unless they work in a daycare and their child is enrolled there. The staff on this floor do this often. Also, not an hour after this young lady came on, she was down, scared shitless by some rain. I had to walk through the floor to reassure her that there were no fucking boogeymen up there. She also has never worked an overnight shift. I have. I know that you are here for a reason when you work overnights. You don't get paid to sneak off into an empty room and take a nap. You don't get paid for leaving the keys to the secure unit lying out in the open for the residents to pick up. And yes, that is what happened. Had I not been down in the lobby, one of the residents would have walked right out of the front door, in a rainstorm at 3 in the morning. I have patience and I know how to control my temper. I was close to asking this girl why the fuck she was here after I actually FOUND her. She expected me to deal with this resident. She expected me to do her job while I have my own to deal with.

I am very close to calling her boss right now and waking her up and asking her where the fuck she finds these people that she hires and if they are actually trained to be able to take care of the residents that are up there. The fact that she brings a child to her job while she's supposed to be taking care of the people that are up there tells me that she really doesn't care all that much. The fact that the only thing I've seen her do is sit on her ass and watch TV tells me that she doesn't do that much at all. If a resident doesn't sleep because his body is telling him he's supposed to be up, don't expect me to stay up and do your job. You are supposed to take care of those residents, not hide in a fucking empty room to sleep. If you can't do the job, why the fuck are you here? No really, why the fuck did you take the job if you aren't competent or capable of making rounds and dealing with the residents on a one to one basis to deal with their needs. If you can't do that, why the fuck are you here? That's your job!

I guess it goes to show that any fucking moron can get work, even in a bad economy like this. I fucking can't believe people like that are left to take care of those who are the least able to speak up. I suppose I should start smoking again so I don't have to worry about things like that in my old age.

And so it begins...

I just love my job. There's never a dull moment. This morning alone I was helping a poor bird get back out of a precarious situation he had gotten himself into. This afternoon however is the start of something I don't like. Again. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people trying to foist their nonsensical sky fairy beliefs on me. I don't go for that shit. I never have. What right do you have to come and judge me and decide that my life is so wrong that you need to intervene with your imaginary friend? Irregardless of that fact, I was handed a lovely little tract today from one of the ladies that live here. She suggested that my spouse and I should really read this because we needed it and would like it. NORMALLY, I would spout off something rather impolite, probably along the lines of them self pleasuring them self with a rusty garden implement, but... I am at work. I have to be polite, nice and not tell the residents to fuck themselves with a rusty rake, sideways.

So I smile at her and thank her. She goes on her way and I look at the little tract she has handed me. It's nice to know that her church is using those donations wisely. On expensive little pieces of full color glossy paper with a smattering of bible verses, a map to the church, a listing of the services and a prayer to not be a sinner and accept the sky fairy into my heart. Pardon me, I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

And the substance? Not so much actually. It starts off with a picture of a clock and the title "It's Time for You to Know". So, is this the long fabled sex talk that my parents never gave me because it's too embarrassing?

I open it up and see... ah! They enjoy the caps lock. They must have heard that it's cruise control for cool! "YOU CAN KNOW FOR SURE THAT IF YOU DIED TODAY YOU WOULD GO TO HEAVEN." Really? How does that work exactly? I plan on being cremated or chemically digested after I die. I don't hold any special attachment to my body and I hope that those who are left with my empty shell don't get too emotional about it. I'll be gone, I really won't mind! Get rid of the damn thing. Have a party and make fun of me for the last time while you get good and drunk. Honestly, that's all I ask. So, what seed of wisdom follows this caps lock statement?

"If Jesus Christ returned today do you know for sure that you would go to heaven with him?" Honestly, I'd rather not go anywhere with a dude that's been dead that long, even if it's supposed to be some super fabulous invite only club. I've never been into that kind of thing either. Besides that, wasn't dude big on the sausage fests anyway? I mean, the majority of my really good friends have been guys and that's cool and all, but shit, I've got a lot of questions. Is there going to be liquor in this place? Will I be able to smoke again without paying outrageous amounts of money? This sounds like an exclusive place, I'm not sure I can even afford to use their bathrooms. And didn't Jesus hang with hookers? I totally work with senior citizens. I don't work a corner, nor have I ever. I'm pretty sure he's not the type of person I usually associate with.

"REALIZE THAT GOD LOVES YOU" Seriously, don't make me get a restraining order. He never even asked me out. Fucking stalker.

"God loves you and has a plan for your life." Seriously you stalker bastard, back the fuck off. I have a plan for my own life thank you very much and if there's one thing I can't stand is someone trying to tell me what I'm going to do with my life so fuck off you creepy shit.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." So, not just a creepy stalker but a drama whore too with 'issues'. Does he have a Stickcam account? I bet he does. Don't tell me you're hung up on that fucking bullshit excuse for a series of vampire books Twilight too. Fuck me you are one twisted old fuck. You loved everyone so much you off your only kid so people will believe that you're someone that should be praised? And people that believe this are going to live forever? Will they sparkle too?

"THE BIBLE SAYS THAT ALL MEN ARE SINNERS". Not my problem man, I thought the book was overwrought and boring as shit. The Hobbit says there's this dragon named Smaug that has this massive ass horde of gold. You don't see me falling over myself looking to get some hobbits and dwarves to adventure with do you? No? I didn't think so.

"Our sins have seperated us from God." No dude, it sounds like some prison time or commitment to a mental health facility is in the offing for that dude. Seriously. Restraining order.

"For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God." - Romans 3:23." I don't think a child killer is all that glorious. And as for 'sins', says who? I don't subscribe to such a concept or notion. Compared to Mr. Torture-my-child-to-death-for-attention-and-fame, I come off smelling like a rose.

"God made man in His own image. He gave man the ability to choose right from wrong. We choose to sin. Our sins separate us from God." Ummm... I'm pretty sure without a reasonable doubt I am the product of my parents, shall we say... getting it on. I mean, I look like my mom, only I have my dad's hair and eye color. That's a pretty strong indication that no sky fairy had a hand in my parents boffing. As for the sinning part... ummm... kill your kid much?

"GOD'S WORD ALSO SAYS THAT SIN MUST BE PAID FOR." Which is why I get a paycheck every two weeks. If I am a sinner that has done something so horrible that I'm being punished, I can't think of a better place to be than where I work now.

"For the wages of sin is death." Like I said, I can't think of better place for me to be working. Do you know how many people that have died on this job? It's an old folks home for crying out loud. Who has the bad luck to be the one to find them about 60% of the time? That's right, me. Seriously though, all men are sinners and if you sin you'll die. Wow. Brilliant conclusion. No one lives forever and the moment you're born, you're dying. No sky fairy or book of myths from middle eastern goatherders is going to change the fact that each and everyone of us will die. It is a fact of life. You're born, you live, you die. That's it. Nothing more. Try to enjoy what happens between the first and third parts.

"Wages means payment. The payment of our sin is death and hell, separation from God forever. If we continue in our sin, we shall die without Christ and be without God forever." Doesn't sound like a bad bargain to me. Moody fucking psycho bastard won't be able to get at me when I die, nor will I have to meet up with his zombie child? Kick-ass. Not that I believe any of this twisted fairy tale bullshit anyway.

"THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT CHRIST PAID FOR OUR SINS." Okay. Did he like whip out a Mastercard or something? And if he paid for that shit, why the hell are you carrying on about it at all. It's cool. The tab's been settled.

"All our sins were laid on Christ on the cross. He paid our sin debt for us. The Lord Jesus Christ died on the cross, and He arose from the dead. He is alive forevermore." Fuck. Zombies again. Shit. Where did I leave my shotgun. Remember kids, headshots. Always take the headshot. Works every time.

"But God commendeth his love toward us, that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." - Romans 5:8." Uh huh. I'm not into S&M so trying to lay a guilt trip on me and equate it with love reminds me of living with my alcoholic dad. I got the hell out of there as soon as I could. Why the hell would I jump back into something like that?

"WE MUST PERSONALLY PRAY AND RECEIVE CHRIST BY FAITH AS OUR SAVIOR." And why exactly should I? Some supernatural stalker/guilt trip bit? Some nonsense that was put to paper a hundred years after it was supposed to have happened? Ummm... no, fuck off. I don't put much stock in 'faith'. Faith is nonsense. It is giving over your natural thought process because you're afraid to admit there is something that you don't know and you don't like that feeling. And because you don't know, you do as our ancestor's did. Oh no! Loud noises and flashing lights in the sky! The god of the sky is angry! Let us appease him! I'm thinking no. Nothing you have shown me has any bearing on my life, so get the fuck over yourself and get the hell out of my face. The only thing I must do is get my ass out of bed and function like a well adjusted human being. I must pay my bills or I will not have lights, phone, or internet. I must pay my rent or I will not have a place to live. I must take care of my pets because they are helpless animals that have been domesticated by humans and would have a difficult time adjusting to living in the wild. And if you see that as selfish, fuck you. I don't see you paying my bills or anything so let me do my job and get the fuck away from me. I'll respect you as much as you respect me. If you think I'm a sad little lost soul, how do you think I'm gonna see you? Though to be fair, I won't be trying to 'save' you. You can't save someone from delusions. I've worked with too many mentally ill people to know that. It's something that you have to decide for yourself and I sure the fuck am not going to go out of my way to try and 'fix' you.

"The Bible says, "For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved" -Romans 10:13. " So does saying 'oh god oh god oh god!' during sex count? If so, I'm saved so fuck off.

"LET'S REVIEW FOR A MOMENT" FUCK! There's gonna be a test on this?

"Realize That God Loves You ...... John 3:16" Go to courthouse after finding rabbit in pot and get restraining order.
"All Men Are Sinners ...... Romans 3:23" Hell yeah, I'm in the clear.
"Sin Must Be Paid For ...... Romans 6:23" So do my groceries dumbass.
"Christ Paid For Our Sins ...... Romans 5:8" A little help with the power bill, I'm just sayin'.
"Christ as Our Savior ...... Romans 10:13" And Cthulhu for President 2012! Who wants the world to end with a whimper?

"PRAY AND RECEIVE CHRIST AS YOUR SAVIOR" Personally, I make it a habit to not talk to imaginary friends. I am an adult now. And I only try to save money. Can he help with that, is he like a personal banker, because that whole living forever thing is bullshit.

"Lord, I know that I am a sinner. If I died today I would not go to heaven. Forgive my sin, come into my life and be my Savior. Help me live for You from this day forward. In Jesus' name, Amen." So, ummm... wow. Are you like an abused wife? You do know you can get out of situations that are abusive like this. You, as an individual, have self worth. You don't need someone to make all your choices in life for you. Most of the time it just takes a little bit of common sense. Try thinking on your own for a change instead of parroting tired old abused wife bullshit.

"The Bible says, "For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved." Romans 10:13." See above, I'm sure I've cried "Oh god!" at least once in my days.

"NEW LIFE" But I wasn't done with the old one. You gotta conserve man.

"Everlasting life begins when we receive Christ as our Savior." Ummm... no fanfics about sparkly vampires, or zombies please.

LET US HELP YOU IN YOUR NEW LIFE AS A CHRISTIAN Fuck! Was that what this was all about! You fucking cock-teases. I thought I was going to get a sugar daddy to pay my light bill. Fuck off. Just like I tell you when you come knocking on my door. I am not, nor will I ever be a christian. I'm a fucking atheist. What part of that don't you understand?

"Study the Bible with us and build your life on a solid foundation." Ummm... how bout fuck you? My life is fine and I don't need any help thank you very much. The solid foundation that I'm on, that's all me motherfucker. I don't need some fairytale to delude myself and cloud my ability to live. And I sure the fuck wouldn't study jack shit with you assholes.

So, this was my fun day. I'm gonna have to scan this thing. Honestly, this was far less offensive than some of the tracts I've seen before. It isn't very convincing and trying to guilt people into doing things is no way to convince them of anything. Nor are threats. What you need to convince people like me is proof. You have none other than your book of fairy tales. And there are fairy tales that are far older than yours. That doesn't make them correct either because, just like yours, they are myths. Plain and simple. I wouldn't believe in your god any more than I believe in the tooth fairy.

This is not a decision I have made recently. I mean, I don't have the perfect family and there's been a lot of shit that's gone down with my family, but I'll give my parents the fact that they never once pushed any form of religion on us. If anything, I got a curiosity from learning from my father. He gave me more than his eyes and natural aptitude for being an asshole, he gave me the want to learn. This is a man, for all of his flaws that would never once deny any of us the ability to learn. He would take us to the library. He liked to drink, but he had a far worse addiction that he hasn't shaken, and I'm glad that he hasn't. He loves to read. He reads constantly and voraciously. This is a man that can tear through a stack of 20 paperbacks in a week. This is a man who read the encyclopedias when he didn't find anything that he wanted to read. The regular encyclopedias and the science encyclopedias. And I got this terrible habit from him. I'm a little worse though. I hate to get rid of books. He could buy twenty books, read them and immediately take them to the library and donate them. The branch library that was near our house had probably 90% of the westerns, sci-fi, fantasy, and military books donated by my father. It's sad when the librarians all know who you are because your dad is such an avid devourer of books. Of all of his habits, this is one I don't ever want him to lose. It helped him recover from a series of strokes and helped to get his thinking back in order. It was slow, but he's back up to his old speed and it's good.

This is the influence I had on my life. I devour both fiction and non-fiction books. And through those books, I learn new things. I don't take things for granted. I don't rely on faith if I don't understand things. I go and try to learn about those things instead. It's much more fun than saying 'goddit' and remaining ignorant of the wonder of the world we live in. And no, fucking 'goddit' is never a valid answer.

By the way, the odd formatting is how they had everything in their little tract. Bold, italics, the whole shebang.

Very Tiresome

Many things in life are very tiresome. My weekend was full of them. As I said, I work in a facility that is home to many seniors and the mentally ill. I will state that it is not a nursing home however and we are not a skilled care facility. The job can be tiring mentally and physically, sometimes emotionally. There are also times that you just want to wash your hands of the whole thing and be done with it.

Right now is one of those times. Not because of my co-workers or boss. Not because of the majority of the people who live there, who are great and very nice people. No, none of those are the cause of my weariness. What is, however, is mental illness. And it's not because I'm not empathetic to people who are mentally ill. Far from it. There are several people that live there that aren't merely just residents. They are also friends and consider me to be the same to them. Many of them are mentally ill. A great many of the people who live there are quite ill. They are usually not a problem, but they all have issues once in awhile. This is normal for people when they have these kind of problems.

There's also the kind of people that believe that they don't need medication to be fine. These are the kind of people that need the medication the most. They refuse to get their medicine. They refuse to take it. It's especially bad when the person is schizophrenic. It's even worse when this person does it all the time. It's tiring. Very, very tiring. At this point in time, I can honestly say that I would feel nothing if something were to happen to this person. They have brought me to that point. I don't care anymore. I really don't. I don't care if they aren't taking their medication. I don't care if they're refusing to eat. I just don't care.

I know that's probably not the best way to look at things. I know that schizophrenia is a terrible disease. This person isn't the only one I work with that has it. She's the worst though. She does this because she wants attention. Not because she's convinced that her meds are not working. She knows that they are working. She's the kind of person that wants attention twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. I know this because after 8 years, you know the person's routine and behavior, even with an illness. The mental health facilities have given up on her because of this. She has had doctors throw her out of the hospital because of this. They know that she is doing it for attention. They're just as sick of it as I am.

What is the most galling is the fact that this behavior, which was not out of control 2 months ago, doesn't have to occur. Her family is no help. I have actually had her power of attorney laugh into the phone because the woman has almost physically attacked me. She constantly verbally attacks anyone that she gets in her sights. You don't even have to have done anything to her. You could be some random guest visiting another resident and she could pounce. She verbally attacks other residents, especially the other ones that are mentally ill and tries to get them riled up.

Friday night was a perfect example of this. One of the men, who has severe anger issues and is bipolar had finished his dinner and was going to talk to another resident about sports. She called him over. He greeted her and she told him that she was angry at him because of what he had done, but she had forgiven him and he'd have to live with what he had done. This was the recurring theme for the weekend. He was obviously baffled, and I can't say that I blamed him. The man had been out all day and hadn't bothered a soul. He wanted to talk about an upcoming basketball game with someone that wasn't completely batfuck crazy.

He asked what he had done. It was her typical, you know what you did. At this point he said that it was nice for her to forgive him, even if he didn't know what it was that he did. He was bothered because she wouldn't tell him and would probably have a hard time sleeping that night because of it. He wasn't being sarcastic. He was upset. I intervened at this point and took him to the side and explained that what she was doing was trying to upset him and he had done nothing wrong. It took me awhile to get him to understand that he didn't do anything wrong and if she approached him again, it would be best to just walk away or ignore her for the time being. He thanked me and went to his apartment.

At this point it took every ounce of my strength to not go over there and slap that smug, self satisfied grin off her face. It really did. I would have had not greater pleasure at that point in time. But of course, this was just Friday and I had 24 more hours to work over the next two days, so things would not get better.

Saturday she decided since I was having a conversation with my spouse before he left after dropping me off for my 12 hour shift, alone with this madwoman, she would be the stupid cunt that she was and attack both of us. And it began that she knew deep down she knew we were good people and knew the difference from right and wrong. And I would feel really bad if something happened to her. I bit my tongue. I really wanted to say, actually, no. I wouldn't feel bad at all if something happened to you because the other residents here and staff would feel much better. They wouldn't be afraid of you attacking them the moment they happened to walk by on their way to do something else, or visit with a friend, or eat their meals. It would actually be a relief if that were to happen because then everyone would have a break from your bullshit and drama. I didn't say that though. I didn't actually get the chance. My spouse told her that she could believe what she liked, but if she needed help we could call her an ambulance, or she could have a seat. She had a seat without another word.

It's best to end the conversation quickly and with as little irritation as possible with her. At this point, after this many years though, it's hard. It's very, very hard. My boss came through later in the day and she came right over and began repeating exactly the same thing again. We were going to have to live with ourselves if something bad were to happen to her. At that point I took a deep breath. Don't blow up. Don't blow up. The boss then says, yeah, we have to live with ourselves, but so do you. Especially the way you treat people and accuse them of things that they didn't do and she knows aren't true. She didn't smile her little smug grin then. She said, well, I guess that's all I wanted to say. And parked her ass in a chair again.

Now that wasn't everything that she brought up. There was a new stinger to it though. The law of the land was that good always triumphs over evil.

Fuck. Me. Running. It's time to start the religious bullshit again. And oh is she fucking crazy for god. She obsesses over it. She's waiting for jebus to make everything in the world well. She's going to pray on it. She's going to pray for you. You need to pray on it. Fuck.

Except that she didn't get all fundigelical on me. No, she got fucking worse. She got paranoid and hateful and angry. Not angry as in someone pisses you off. Angry as in three year old temper tantrum. Which is remarkably similar to her behavior. And that all came out Sunday. She was polite, but refuse to eat and take her medicine. For the most part she was quiet. Until my 10th fucking hour of being there. I asked her at dinner time if she was going to eat. She grinned and kind of laughed and said no. I asked her if she wanted her medicine. Same response. I said, okay that's your choice and went back to my other work. A full hour later she came up to the desk where I was talking to another resident. This resident has several problems and is very timid. He's a good guy though, even if he doesn't always grasp every nuance of interpersonal behavior. (He's autistic for the record and has bipolar disorder along with a host of other problems, but that is neither here nor there.) She decided she was mad that I asked if she wanted her medicine. Because I knew she hadn't eaten all day. I let her finish. Then I told her, calmly, (oh fuck was I calm!) that she was asked during all three meals to eat and she refused. She went into the dining room during meal time repeatedly and had ample opportunity to eat. I could not nor would I force her to do anything. I couldn't. It was her choice entirely and our conversation was over. That pissed her off more, and I directed my attention to the resident that had been there first and continued the discussion we were having about jellyfish that had been found in the arctic and looked at some pictures from National Geographic. He was kind of upset momentarily. It didn't take him long to forget about her because I was refusing to give her the satisfaction of upsetting me and him.

There would have been nothing better than letting her have it back, verbally with my very colorful vocabulary. But I smiled and told her in a pleasant tone that nope, there would be none of this, so go sit back down and pout now. She did. Fifteen minutes later she went to her room. I think that was when the other residents relaxed a little. Several actually sat down and played cards and had a good time after they ate their dinner. Another sat down and read the paper. And my weekend at the Clusterfuck Arms came to a close.

I'd like to think I'm done with her and all of that is over. It's not of course. I have to be back there in two days for another 24 hour run over 2 days. Oh joy of joys!

I understand that mental illness is not pleasant and some of what I've said wasn't the most empathetic. If you had to go through this as often as I do, you might feel the same. I'm not a psychiatrist or a psychiatric nurse. This job wasn't always full of psych patients. I am very aware of the toll these illnesses take on people, affected and those who are around the people with the illness. Sometimes however, you do reach a point that you get fed the fuck up. I am. All of my co-workers are. My boss is. I just needed to vent so I don't explode at her and lose my job, though at this point I don't think I would. She's burned all her bridges, especially when she refuses to pay her rent and her family has to send it nine times out of ten.