Tuesday Timewaster 2

Yeah, another day at work, sitting at the desk waiting for something to happen, whether it be the telephone or a resident needing something. They do educate you sometimes and not just in ways that are probably parts of getting old that you'd really not have to know about. Today, they surprised me quite a bit and I almost asked if they had suddenly joined NORML. Yup, in the middle of Bingo, one of the ladies asked when I could come up and help her repot her plant that I had offered to do. She's mid-fifties. One of the other ladies at the table asked what kind of plant. The first lady laughed and said "marijuana". A third lady, also mid-fifties said she was going to start hanging out in the first lady's room. It went downhill from there into jokes between the four ladies about getting the munchies. Oh how surprising they are at times. It's not every day you hear a little old lady say: "Oh yeah, I've heard about grandkids going out to score weed for their grannies." Yeah, they're cool like that sometimes. The lady in her 80's just moved out here from California recently and was telling the other women about medical marijuana being legal and how it was grown and permits that were needed, how people got prescriptions, and how it seems to help a lot of sick people. They asked me then if someone smoked it while they had cancer, does it control the nausea or just give them the munchies so they eat better. I told them honestly, probably a little of both and pain relief. It's nice to know that they all had a pretty positive attitude about it and said that they just need to quick messing around and let the legalization laws pass so that sick people could have relief. I thought it was pretty cool.


I also was having a discussion with one of the younger residents here last night about TV shows that we watched when we were kids. He is older than me by more than a dozen years and didn't really watch a lot of cartoons or shows like that when growing up. Someone mentioned Ultraman yesterday and of course, I was like "fuck yeah Ultraman!". This resident had no idea what I was talking about so I mentioned one of the more recent Ultraman movies. The title alone boggled his mind so I had to bring up the trailer for it on YouTube and educate him on the awesome that is the Ultraman galaxy. So he got to see parts of Mega Monster Battle Ultra Galaxy Legend The Movie. Yes, it is a mouthful, but damn is there a lot of awesome in that movie. Of course then he asked if Warner Brothers were going to release it in the US. I told him that I wasn't sure. He seemed kind of disappointed and said that people watch so much stupid stuff on television and decent stuff like that never gets shown. He didn't know that Ultraman did air on television in the states. Of course, this isn't the same Ultraman that aired, it's much newer and the effects are better, but in the end, it's still guys in rubber suits fighting other guys in rubber suits and that is the formula that has made Godzilla and other Tokusatsu shows so damn awesome. I don't need flashy effects. I don't need Michael Bay Transformer bullshit. Give me some good old rubber suit fighting kids shows and I'm happy. So I will share that little taste of awesome. Enjoy.

Monday Music 7

So another week at work starts off with a bang. I got treated like shit by a co-worker for a joke, that happened last week. Obviously the man has no sense of humor. And is very mature. He wouldn't even look at me or address me and scurried out the door like his ass was on fire. But hey, it's Monday and I have 60 hours to be in this place this week. I'm not going to let the assholes piss me off or bother me. I'd rather piss them off, it's more fun that way.


Less than 15 minutes later, I got jumped by our resident schizophrenic/epileptic who refuses to take her medications. You see, the pills aren't right. So she won't take them. And then she has seizures. Because we don't give her the medicine, but we do, but it's wrong. Yeah. It's like that. She wanted to speak to my boss, who just had open heart surgery last Thursday. She just got released from the hospital and won't be back to work for some time. So I told her that. She said she had to talk to someone about this problem with the medicines. I told her that she could talk to me about it because I'm going to be the one setting up the medicines while the boss is gone. And by the way, you need to go to the pharmacy and pick up those prescriptions you refused to fill. She didn't like that. I wasn't trying to appease her. And I'm still not. She said she would talk to me after breakfast. That's cool. You're not going to piss me off today. No one will.


After she hemmed and hawwed, trying to think of a strategy to use against my impeccable armor of "U mad?" she finally came down an hour and half later. She went with me into the office, carrying her medicines that I had given her at breakfast. She asked if I was going to sit down. I told her no, I was just fine standing up. She didn't like that. I told her she could sit if she wanted to, but I was more than happy to stand up. She grunted and then told me that she shouldn't be talking to me about medicine because I don't know a thing about medications because I wasn't an RN. Logic fail. I've been doling you out your medications since you moved in here years ago. I can tell you what each pill is by just looking at it and telling you what it's for. You have no clue as to what you're taking or what they're even for, which is why you've only been taking one of your anti-seizure medications and leaving the other in the cup and walking away from them. I know what the medications are that I'm giving people. I need to know so if there is an error, I can catch it and correct it. That's common sense and a safety issue. I don't want to give someone the wrong medication and have something bad happen to them. 


So I told her that perhaps if she actually took her medications, then she wouldn't have the seizures and would feel better, she got mad. She said that I wasn't letting her talk. I told her to go right ahead and talk. She said that she didn't want the medicines because they weren't right. She went to the pharmacy and told them that too. Uh huh. So I informed her, after retrieving the pill bottles that if she didn't like the way that we do things, that she could take care of her medications her self. I put the bag of pills on the desk in front of her. She was stunned. Didn't think I'd call your bluff again, did ya? She said "I'm a patient here!" To which I said, "We don't have patients here. We're not a medical facility." So she countered with "I'm a resident here!" And I said, that she isn't the only one and if she wasn't happy that she could take care of her own medications since we obviously were not doing them to her satisfaction. To which she said "I'm moving out." Of course, that doesn't work on me. I told her "Don't forget your medicines then." 


She didn't know what to say then. Which is fine, at that point she's wasting my time that I could be elsewhere, actually doing something of import. She then demanded to know what medicines were used to control her seizures. I asked her then, if I didn't know about her medications, how could I tell her that. HA HA! She was not happy. To which I held up the cup of medications. I took the first one. This is your depakote. It is used to control your seizures. Next pill, a greenish blue capsule, tegretol, used to control seizures. Pale blue capsule, Prozac, 20 mg. You take 3 of them in the morning. It's for your bi-polar disorder and schizophrenia. You're not helping yourself by ignoring the medication. White capsule, geodon, also used to for your schizophrenia. Second white capsule, smaller, hydrochlorothyazide, a diuretic. Of course she took her depakote and tegretol and stomped out. That's fine. At least she took SOMETHING. And as of Sunday night, she'll be completely out of depakote. 


So what does this have to do with music? Well, I surely wasn't mad or mildly annoyed when she threw her fit, I was amused. It took me every ounce of strength to not say "U mad?" to her more than once. Oh well, it's one of those days. And for days like this, you need some Dir en grey. Some bouncy, fuck you Dir en grey.


Dir en grey - Umbrella

I don't understand the futility of it all

I am baffled at times how people seem to make the internet serious business. Threats of calling the "authorities" and "reporting" people who offend you is not new. Nor is threatening people with lawsuits because they have said something that offends or does not agree with the person making the threats. Fabricating tales of threats are a typical ploy of these people and I am certain these attention getting ploys are not only used in real life as well. Many of these people seem somewhat socially inept and care only to make demands and pronouncements while accusing their detractors of oppression.

I don't understand how they can accuse others of illegal behavior when they disagree with their pronouncements. I don't understand how people that have a mind of their own and have their own opinions on a subject and are not afraid to speak up are seen as stalkers that are just out to oppress those they disagree with. I wonder who they are reporting people to when they threaten to take the matter to the authorities. I've heard the police and the FBI mentioned on many occasions. I do have my doubts as to the veracity of most of these claims.

From experience I know just how annoying these people can be. They seem to thrive on places like Twitter and Facebook. I was accused of threatening to rape a very disturbed woman somewhere in the bible belt. She said my husband threatened to kill her and she called the police. It's funny how things like that happen. I wasn't aware of this particular wing nut until the day of her accusations. I didn't follow her on Twitter, nor did I care to. She felt it was her mission to "evangelize" to the lost souls of atheists or some such bullshit. Not interested one bit.

Most atheists are people who have left some kind of faith at some point in their life, deciding that there is much more to life than feeling guilty for being human. Or not wanting some angry vengeful sky daddy threatening you with eternal torture for staying out past curfew. I am not one of these people. I had no faith to lose. I was not raised in a religious household and have no wish to have your primitive belief system forced on me. I don't care about your sky daddy and I'm not afraid to tell you to fuck off either.

Of course, I don't actively go out of my way to find nutters like that either. If I have a tweet, quoting a bible verse, not directed at you regarding the bible's stance about putting your daughter out to be raped, that doesn't mean I am threatening to rape anyone. especially considering that was not the only bible related tweet that I had made that evening before you pissed off someone and got called a dirty name. Oh my! A bad word! Is this fucking grade school? Yeah, you may have been called a cunt by someone, but don't you think continually harassing a person has no repercussions? When you feel the urge to judge people and carry on like a fool don't get bent out of shape when you get called names. Take responsibility for your actions. Man up, or woman up in this case. Aren't you supposed to be a strong x-tian woman? A little name calling is a death threat? No, it's not. Cunt isn't a word people like to be called and it is used to get a point across. In this case, "fuck off, you stupid cunt" might have been better.

That was last fall/winter. Recently she's been up to the same antics again. Unfortunately for her, she made a bigger fool of herself. She was being quite rude to a person on Facebook, then throwing a complete freak out paranoid ranting hissy fit when another, quite amused atheist on Twitter commented about it on her page. Her page was public. She had very personal information set as public as well. She was informed of this and went even crazier, accusing the person who commented of stalking her and said she had informed the FBI. Of course, she then Googled the public information for that person and found, what she believed was that person's current place of employment. She called to tell on the commenter. For asking a question that she didn't like and pointing out that she was a fucking idiot for putting private information up in a public place. The commenter was being rather polite about the whole matter while she went into tin-foil hat land by closing her Twitter account and making a "list" of 'dangerous atheists'. She made another account after this, that I blocked, just like the last one after she said I threatened to rape her. Of course, after creating a new account, she sent DMs to all the atheists that were probably really fed up with her shit with some "guess who" bullshit. Some people didn't know about her prior and continuing behavior, atheist or not and chose to believe this person, joining in the vilification of the commenter. For that, I think they were very blind in trusting this sick person and feeding into her continuing illness and attention seeking behaviors.

That's the difference. I am not a person who is going to give you the satisfaction of feeding your drama. There are plenty of others like you out there with what appears to be varying degrees of mental illness. I understand that it's funny to have a reliable moron who will spout off nonsense at very frequent intervals. I don't, however believe that baiting and trying to 'debate' with these people is worth the frustration, time or effort. Trying to argue with the mentally ill is pointless and in the end, they will eventually lash out, sometimes violently. I work with the mentally ill. Not all people with mental illnesses are like this. The ones that are thrive on the attention they get. It's a part of their illness. I have been threatened, physically attacked on at least one occassion, accused of tampering with their brains telepathically and part of a grand conspiracy to kill them. It's a futile effort. There is nothing you can do to convince them if they are set on an idea, a vision or delusion.

Feeling a little thoughtful about this because I was accused, again, of wanting to make a person commit suicide. This is an attention getting ploy by this person. This person has exhausted my supply of patience and empathy and I responded in a quite trolltastic, but honest and straightforward manner. I can't stop you if that's your plan. People who are going to commit suicide don't say things like that. People who commit suicide and are set on doing it don't warn others. You may notice signs later that pointed to their depression, but they are never straightforward about it. I know this from losing my older brother when he was 22. Before I left work yesterday, I was also verbally attacked by another crazy at work. Fortunately this person was enjoying their last day as a resident there and had she said one more thing to me, she would have been enjoying a fun evening with the boys in blue. Verbally assaulting the elderly is no way to go through life. It will land your ass in trouble. I don't care honestly if they jump on me, I'm a big girl. It just reminds me again and again how futile it is to try and argue with people that are very, very damaged. It's as pointless as banging your head against the wall.

July 11, 1998

July 11, 1998 my husband and I got married. It was a hot ass day and the friend that did the ceremony was late. He's late for everything, including his own wedding. We didn't do anything fancy, hell my engagement ring was from a gumball machine at Toys R Us. We had the ceremony at home, with a small group of people. Only one of my family members were there and that's not because I hate my family, it's just that she wanted to come and join in the fun. The ceremony wasn't long. RelUnrelated and I put it together. A wiccan performed the ceremony. It wasn't a wiccan ceremony however. We went out to a restaurant to eat. We spent the night away from home in a suite our friends paid for as a gift. I don't think we spent more than a hundred bucks on the whole affair. 

We weren't rich. We aren't now, especially not after getting the first bill for just the weeks stay in the hospital. I can't wait to see the rest of the bills that are going to be coming in with continued treatment. I haven't changed my feeling for him in the 12 years that have gone by since then. We've been together for 15 years now. It doesn't seem that long, but it has been. I'm a little older, even more cynical and just as smartassed as I was then, if not more so. We've been through quite a bit of shit and this new pile on with cancer isn't going to ruin us. We can get through it. If we couldn't get through things like that we wouldn't have stuck together this long. I wouldn't change a moment unless it was that we could have more time together, peacefully. So here I am, on my anniversary, working a 12 hour shift. We're texting each other back and forth and he's not feeling well. I'm hoping this day will go by quickly because I'm getting fed up of being here.

Just so you know RelUnrelated, I love you very much and plan to stick out all this new bullshit so don't worry about me vanishing or running away. That's not me.

E.T.? Is that you?

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Nighttime

So it appears that I'm going to continue to work the night shift for at least the rest of this week, possibly continuing on into next depending on what the doctor decides about the co-worker I'm covering for. He may be off longer, or he may be allowed to come back, if he can do his job. I'm not terribly minding the night shift. It's much quieter at night and I have fewer problems. I lock the place up and commence work early, so I can take my time in the wee hours of the morning. Of course, being as my place of employment is located downtown, I get to see the drunks stagger out of the bars starting at 1:30 and going until 3:00 am. It's entertaining at times, but mostly obnoxious. Nothing like sloppy ass drunks staggering into the streets to wail endlessly and bray laughter like donkeys. I haven't had anything terribly out of the way happening from those outside the building, so I'm not going to complain. 

I am however annoyed. When I came in this evening, I came into a wall of plastic. I was used to the quarter of the lobby blocked off with plastic sheeting as plaster repairs were being done on the ceiling. As of yesterday when I came in from a weekend off, they had left up the big tent in the lobby and moved into the activity room. They didn't bother to rope this off with anything but plastic sheeting on the floor and some tape that says wet paint. Fucking annoying. Tonight, I am surrounded on all sides by fucking plastic. I can't even get to the stereo so I can listen to music. I am fucking annoyed. I can't see shit. I can't see the front door, I can't see the side door. I can't see the stairs or elevator. I mean honestly, fucking do one thing at a time. Finish that shit behind the big tent then move to another area. Honestly, it cannot be that hard. It's nice to know they hired guys with ADD to fucking do the plaster work. I can't wait until they start repainting this place. That ought to be a fucking joke.

I feel like I'm living in some strange quarantine made up of Ben Gay, Aspercreme, and Fixadent. This fucking sucks.

Nice...

I live in the Midwest. You'd think I'd be used to the fucked up weather by now. Lately there's been pretty much two kinds of weather. Hot as fucking hell or fucking pouring down rain like a bitch with added thunderstorm. I'm really sick of both of these. I'm also sick of Missouri and Iowa sending their fucking bullshit this way. It interrupts quite a few things to have constant lightning strikes. You have to shut down electronics so they don't get fried in a power surge if the power goes out. I've lost a CD player to a power outage before and I'm not in any hurry to replace my PS3, computer or television. The first day I was off after my first string of working nights and around midnight a fucking storm blows up outta what seemed like nowhere. I don't watch television, at least American television and seldom listen to the radio so I had no idea until the grumbles started outside. We shut down everything and I played some Shin Megami Tensei: Devil Survivor for awhile until the storms let up as I left the television on the only channel of worth, which shows the radar and any weather warnings. There was at least one tornado spotted during the big blow up and when everything died down, I turned the computer back on. Of course, the router was wanting to be a dick so RelUnrelated had to dick around with it for a bit. It seems that the router is having hard drive issues. Time to gut my old computer for one of my old hard drives. I proceeded to try to watch Garo again, stating, once again, every time I try to watch the series in it's entirety, something happens.

At three the next series of storms began, though less intense than the cluster that had gone through around midnight. It lasted just as long and I gave up on trying to watch Garo for the night/morning. I did get to watch the rest of it and Beast of the White Night yesterday, finally. RelUnrelated did admit it was a pretty interesting series, though he did seem to think the mermaid horror did show a bit of gratuitous boob. The main audience to for toku shows seems to be males, so I don't find it all that surprising. This was a mature series, unlike toku shows like Kamen Rider and Sentai series. Hell, the almost final boss was a giant topless woman in a g-string. What do you expect? The mermaid horror wasn't gratuitous compared to her.

Anyway, I'm assuming yesterday was hot as fuck because my computer told me it was in the 90's and the heat index was over 100. Fuck that. I can't even imagine what it's going to be like in August if we're getting August temperatures right now. So I headed to work tonight, (Still working nights by the way) and it was hot as fuck. We were about halfway when the radio popped up and said that the county that got hammered Monday night/Tuesday morning was getting it again. Tornado warning. Again. Storms were heading this way again. Wonderful. Maybe it would cool the fuck down at least.

So RelUnrelated and I parted ways at the car. He went to take pics of some buildings downtown here and I came into work a little early and proceeded to get some things started so I didn't have to deal with them later. By about quarter til eight, RelUnrelated came in to see what we wanted to do for supper for him, breakfast for me. I had him sit while I ran some meds to people before we decided. By the time I got back down, the sky had changed.

It looked kinda like this:

Lovely, isn't it? That's right outside the back door at work at about 8:15 pm. The darkness is clouds. Lovely rainfilled clouds ready to dump on everyone and everything. The sky did look better... so much better. Like this, within minutes.

Holy fuck. 26 minutes later I get the fucking picture uploaded!

This is the front of the building, in the same time frame as the other two, except from the front of the building this time. It's very windy and what we didn't realize at the time was that the camera had slowed it's shutter speed down and was exposing the pictures for 1 second, which is why they ended up so blurry.

I think it's kind of neat how the flag is whipping in the wind at this point. Of course, this was before the rain started.

Before the rain could start though, I sent RelUnrelated to the sixth floor, the top floor at work here to take a couple of pictures from a higher perspective. He realized the shutter was staying open longer because of the low light at that point in time. They pictures turned out pretty cool. This is the city building.

You can get an idea how quickly it got dark and how funky the clouds were looking. You don't see the layering as much in these pictures as you do in the ones out of the back door. He didn't go to the end of the hallways to take any pictures the other direction so you can't really see the way the sky looked from that height.

It started raining after we ordered our food and RelUnrelated went to go pick it up. It wasn't wimpy splash around in puddles rain either. The lightning was at a minimum for a change, but the wind was blowing and the rain was coming down pretty hard. I got off a few pictures from the front door, but only one turned out okay.

You can't really tell the volume of rain that came down very well in this picture and I wasn't exactly outside during this. This was actually taken through the glass of the front doors. I wish I could have gotten a better view of the rain that wasn't all blurry.

And there was one other danger out. High speed buses. 

Sometimes I'm not surprised at all

I really shouldn't be surprised by anything that happens at my job. Every time something new happens we joke that it's Chapter XX in the ongoing story of the Clusterfuck Arms. Drunks, psychos and perverts? We've had 'em. Hallucinating psychotics refusing to take their meds? More times than I have fingers and toes. Transvestites that are not doing a good job of playing the sex they'd like to be and talking about them self in the third person? Wall to wall baby. Been there, done that, got the shirt.

So today it was something rather innocuous that almost made me choke, and possibly aspirate on my lunch. What was it? A fundie came in to see one of the old guys that lives here. The guy is very lonely and this particular young man(and he is, at the most 19 years old), comes into to visit this bitter old guy. It's nice of him, but the fact of the matter is, you're telling a man who has lived much, MUCH longer than you that he needs to embrace Jebus. Now, I'm not saying the old guy is upset by this. He seems to like the company and I'm not going to throw the dude out because he's keeping the guy company for a few hours. He doesn't seems to badger him or anything, because old dude is happy to see the kid. The kid's taken him to church before and he enjoyed himself. Bully for you. Not my cup of tea, because I don't believe in sky fairies, but I'm not gonna kick the old guy. I'm not gonna kick the kid that comes and talks with him either. He doesn't normally spend the visit talking about Jebus, but they did a little today and I almost lost it.

It wasn't that anything seemed particularly odd at first. I was eating my lunch, the radio is on, the aviary is very loud right now (mating season), and I was watching some Kamen Rider on YouTube to kill time. I heard mention of Rachel and blah blah blah. I wasn't paying attention, who would? Then I heard him mention lying down with someone and then I swear he said something about bestiality. I almost sprayed miso soup all over the monitor. I looked up and over at them across the lobby. There was no indication that he was talking about screwing animals, but that's what I get for half hearing crazy Jebus drivel. Oh well, made lunch more colorful.

Another Day, Another Ramble

Just another boring day at work. Sitting behind a desk for 12 hours answering phones and helping the residents here at my job. And surfing the internet because out of the 6 people that are down here in the lobby at this point in time, 2 are watching a movie, one is waiting for his ride to show up, two are preparing lunch and I'm sitting on my ass at the desk. Doing nothing. Which is my job on the weekends most of the time. Because our census here is low and Sundays are usually pretty quiet. Everyone eats, a few go to church or out with their family, but seldom is there anyone down here. It's no man's land until about a half hour before the next meal. Not that I'm complaining terribly, but it gives me time to look at useless information online, talk with residents or be bored completely out of my mind. Which is why I end up writing most of the crap that I've put on here on Sundays. Imagine that.

So I'm completely bored and the radio is playing utter shite and I have my PSP with me, playing music at a relatively low volume. I'm the only one that can hear it and it drones out the vapid top 40 bullshit pop music. Yes, top 40 vapid bullshit music in a retirement home. That's because the residents just want something so it's not boring and the person that worked before me doesn't like having nothing playing. I tune it out. I'm good at tuning it out, but I prefer to have music playing most of the time. I did forget to change up the music on my PSP so I've got a few albums on there and a couple of concert vids. I'm finishing the last of my lukewarm coffee that doesn't have nearly enough sugar in it to make me happy, and listening to Gackt. Yup. Paint me as a fangirl if you want. I like his music and don't really care too much about if that makes me a fangirl or not. I mean, I'm not crazy, screaming, flailing all over myself when a new video or anything comes out, but the man is talented musically. And he doesn't seem to take himself too seriously, even though he loves the dramatic. So ANYWAY:

GACKT - Setsugekka 雪月花~The end of silence~ PV



This song is rather sad and sappy.

Original/Romaji Lyrics

mikatzuki wo daita kimi ni tsubuyaite
kona yuki to odoru kimi ni aitai
datta hitotsu dake no omoi wo nosete
akaku somaru yuki wo sora ni chiribameta
kimi wo dakishimeru hana to nare
tsunoru omoi megurase sakimidare
kokoro ubawareru hodo kimi wo ai seta koto wo
nando mo nando mo yozora ni sakenda

toiki akaku somete utai tsuzukete ita
koyoi no yume ni zo kimi ga sugata wo
kimi no kieta kisetsu ga mou sugu owaru
saigo no namida, kasane, kono yuki ni kaete miseyou

kimi wo dakishimeru yuki to nare
tsunoru omoi chiribame maiodore
kizu wo kakusou to suru hodo naze ka namida ga furete
kimi no hohoemi ga ima, kasunde mienai

kimi wo terashidasu tsuki ni nareru nara
yozora ni hoshi chiribamete
kimi wa sagasou

karada kuchihatete mo..
kimi wo dakishimeru yuki to nare
yozora no kimi wo irodoru hana ni nare
kimi ni fureyou to suru hodo tsukande wa kieru "yuki no hana"
nando mo nando mo yozora
sakebi tsuzuketa

kimi ni todokimasu you ni...


English Translation

I whispered to you, who held the moon:

"I want to dance with you in this powdery snow" (1)
I gave the only love I had
and scattered the crimson-stained snow to the sky. (2)

Become the flowers that you embraced
Bloom, surrounded by these ever growing feelings
Over and over... I cried into the night sky
That I'd loved you so much I'd lost my soul

You continued to sing as your breath was stained red
"May you appear in my dreams tonight..."
Your final season has nearly reached its end
My last tears gather in my eyes, let's return to this fine snow

Become the snow that you embraced
Scatter these ever growing feelings, dance wildly
Why do these tears flow and make me want to end this pain?
Your smile is becoming blurry now

If I could become the moon that shines upon you
I'd scatter the stars into the night sky
And search for you

Even as my body wasted away...

Become the snow that you embraced
Become the flowers that painted you onto the night sky
I try to be close to you, but you vanish in my grasp... "snow blossom"
Over and over... to the night sky

I kept screaming

In hopes that it will reach you...

So I guess that I'm listening to sappy stuff that is making me think about how much I've been worrying about things lately. I've been preoccupied with other mundane but more important things in life to worry about putting anything up here really. I've been ill. I need to see a doctor, but alas cannot afford to because, well, I work for a place that doesn't have insurance. I'm certain I know exactly what is wrong with me. It's the same disease that my grandmother has and has been bed bound from for the past probably at least 7 years.

That prospect does not make me happy. Most of the time, about 5 years after the symptoms become apparent, the person is disabled. And there's not much that can be done about that. I'm stubborn though and will continue to work until I can't. I'll go crazy otherwise. Especially if I'm not able to use my hands like I can now. How do I know that's what I have without seeing a doctor? My fingers are twisting at odd angles and my hands look about 30 years older than they are. These are common symptoms. Does it hurt? Well, I had to make a trip to the ER several months ago because I basically couldn't walk due to the pain and swelling. Not that the ER workers were much help. They just kinda looked at my husband and I like 'meh', said "Fill this out, we'll call you when it's your turn." 5 hours later we left after a shot in my ass, (don't lie nurses, that was not my hip!) and the doctor that was in the room a total of 2 minutes looked briefly at my swollen hands, legs and feet from about 4 feet away and said, in broken english, "Not swoll, you go clinic. Arthritis." No joke. That probably sounds terrible, but sadly, it's the truth. That particular doctor is rather ineffective and I'm not the only person that's run into this doctor and had similar problems. The man couldn't even be bothered to sign the script for prescription strength naproxen.

My problems have been the least of my concerns though. My husband has been really ill and I've not been resting well due to it. He's worked one partial day in the last 2 weeks. I made him leave early because he was running a fever. He has a large lump on the side of his neck that he's going for an ultrasound for on Tuesday. He's been running high fevers and was on a twenty day course of 2 different antibiotics that did nothing. I made him go to the ER and they set him up with an appointment to follow up at the community health clinic. I can wait to see a doctor. He can't. I've not been sleeping well because I wake up at night and if I don't hear him I wake him up to make sure he's still breathing. That's how much it's been bothering me. So I'd say I've been too distracted to put anything of worth here lately. Maybe I'll find something worthwhile to write about.

And so it begins...

I just love my job. There's never a dull moment. This morning alone I was helping a poor bird get back out of a precarious situation he had gotten himself into. This afternoon however is the start of something I don't like. Again. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people trying to foist their nonsensical sky fairy beliefs on me. I don't go for that shit. I never have. What right do you have to come and judge me and decide that my life is so wrong that you need to intervene with your imaginary friend? Irregardless of that fact, I was handed a lovely little tract today from one of the ladies that live here. She suggested that my spouse and I should really read this because we needed it and would like it. NORMALLY, I would spout off something rather impolite, probably along the lines of them self pleasuring them self with a rusty garden implement, but... I am at work. I have to be polite, nice and not tell the residents to fuck themselves with a rusty rake, sideways.

So I smile at her and thank her. She goes on her way and I look at the little tract she has handed me. It's nice to know that her church is using those donations wisely. On expensive little pieces of full color glossy paper with a smattering of bible verses, a map to the church, a listing of the services and a prayer to not be a sinner and accept the sky fairy into my heart. Pardon me, I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

And the substance? Not so much actually. It starts off with a picture of a clock and the title "It's Time for You to Know". So, is this the long fabled sex talk that my parents never gave me because it's too embarrassing?

I open it up and see... ah! They enjoy the caps lock. They must have heard that it's cruise control for cool! "YOU CAN KNOW FOR SURE THAT IF YOU DIED TODAY YOU WOULD GO TO HEAVEN." Really? How does that work exactly? I plan on being cremated or chemically digested after I die. I don't hold any special attachment to my body and I hope that those who are left with my empty shell don't get too emotional about it. I'll be gone, I really won't mind! Get rid of the damn thing. Have a party and make fun of me for the last time while you get good and drunk. Honestly, that's all I ask. So, what seed of wisdom follows this caps lock statement?

"If Jesus Christ returned today do you know for sure that you would go to heaven with him?" Honestly, I'd rather not go anywhere with a dude that's been dead that long, even if it's supposed to be some super fabulous invite only club. I've never been into that kind of thing either. Besides that, wasn't dude big on the sausage fests anyway? I mean, the majority of my really good friends have been guys and that's cool and all, but shit, I've got a lot of questions. Is there going to be liquor in this place? Will I be able to smoke again without paying outrageous amounts of money? This sounds like an exclusive place, I'm not sure I can even afford to use their bathrooms. And didn't Jesus hang with hookers? I totally work with senior citizens. I don't work a corner, nor have I ever. I'm pretty sure he's not the type of person I usually associate with.

"REALIZE THAT GOD LOVES YOU" Seriously, don't make me get a restraining order. He never even asked me out. Fucking stalker.

"God loves you and has a plan for your life." Seriously you stalker bastard, back the fuck off. I have a plan for my own life thank you very much and if there's one thing I can't stand is someone trying to tell me what I'm going to do with my life so fuck off you creepy shit.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." So, not just a creepy stalker but a drama whore too with 'issues'. Does he have a Stickcam account? I bet he does. Don't tell me you're hung up on that fucking bullshit excuse for a series of vampire books Twilight too. Fuck me you are one twisted old fuck. You loved everyone so much you off your only kid so people will believe that you're someone that should be praised? And people that believe this are going to live forever? Will they sparkle too?

"THE BIBLE SAYS THAT ALL MEN ARE SINNERS". Not my problem man, I thought the book was overwrought and boring as shit. The Hobbit says there's this dragon named Smaug that has this massive ass horde of gold. You don't see me falling over myself looking to get some hobbits and dwarves to adventure with do you? No? I didn't think so.

"Our sins have seperated us from God." No dude, it sounds like some prison time or commitment to a mental health facility is in the offing for that dude. Seriously. Restraining order.

"For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God." - Romans 3:23." I don't think a child killer is all that glorious. And as for 'sins', says who? I don't subscribe to such a concept or notion. Compared to Mr. Torture-my-child-to-death-for-attention-and-fame, I come off smelling like a rose.

"God made man in His own image. He gave man the ability to choose right from wrong. We choose to sin. Our sins separate us from God." Ummm... I'm pretty sure without a reasonable doubt I am the product of my parents, shall we say... getting it on. I mean, I look like my mom, only I have my dad's hair and eye color. That's a pretty strong indication that no sky fairy had a hand in my parents boffing. As for the sinning part... ummm... kill your kid much?

"GOD'S WORD ALSO SAYS THAT SIN MUST BE PAID FOR." Which is why I get a paycheck every two weeks. If I am a sinner that has done something so horrible that I'm being punished, I can't think of a better place to be than where I work now.

"For the wages of sin is death." Like I said, I can't think of better place for me to be working. Do you know how many people that have died on this job? It's an old folks home for crying out loud. Who has the bad luck to be the one to find them about 60% of the time? That's right, me. Seriously though, all men are sinners and if you sin you'll die. Wow. Brilliant conclusion. No one lives forever and the moment you're born, you're dying. No sky fairy or book of myths from middle eastern goatherders is going to change the fact that each and everyone of us will die. It is a fact of life. You're born, you live, you die. That's it. Nothing more. Try to enjoy what happens between the first and third parts.

"Wages means payment. The payment of our sin is death and hell, separation from God forever. If we continue in our sin, we shall die without Christ and be without God forever." Doesn't sound like a bad bargain to me. Moody fucking psycho bastard won't be able to get at me when I die, nor will I have to meet up with his zombie child? Kick-ass. Not that I believe any of this twisted fairy tale bullshit anyway.

"THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT CHRIST PAID FOR OUR SINS." Okay. Did he like whip out a Mastercard or something? And if he paid for that shit, why the hell are you carrying on about it at all. It's cool. The tab's been settled.

"All our sins were laid on Christ on the cross. He paid our sin debt for us. The Lord Jesus Christ died on the cross, and He arose from the dead. He is alive forevermore." Fuck. Zombies again. Shit. Where did I leave my shotgun. Remember kids, headshots. Always take the headshot. Works every time.

"But God commendeth his love toward us, that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." - Romans 5:8." Uh huh. I'm not into S&M so trying to lay a guilt trip on me and equate it with love reminds me of living with my alcoholic dad. I got the hell out of there as soon as I could. Why the hell would I jump back into something like that?

"WE MUST PERSONALLY PRAY AND RECEIVE CHRIST BY FAITH AS OUR SAVIOR." And why exactly should I? Some supernatural stalker/guilt trip bit? Some nonsense that was put to paper a hundred years after it was supposed to have happened? Ummm... no, fuck off. I don't put much stock in 'faith'. Faith is nonsense. It is giving over your natural thought process because you're afraid to admit there is something that you don't know and you don't like that feeling. And because you don't know, you do as our ancestor's did. Oh no! Loud noises and flashing lights in the sky! The god of the sky is angry! Let us appease him! I'm thinking no. Nothing you have shown me has any bearing on my life, so get the fuck over yourself and get the hell out of my face. The only thing I must do is get my ass out of bed and function like a well adjusted human being. I must pay my bills or I will not have lights, phone, or internet. I must pay my rent or I will not have a place to live. I must take care of my pets because they are helpless animals that have been domesticated by humans and would have a difficult time adjusting to living in the wild. And if you see that as selfish, fuck you. I don't see you paying my bills or anything so let me do my job and get the fuck away from me. I'll respect you as much as you respect me. If you think I'm a sad little lost soul, how do you think I'm gonna see you? Though to be fair, I won't be trying to 'save' you. You can't save someone from delusions. I've worked with too many mentally ill people to know that. It's something that you have to decide for yourself and I sure the fuck am not going to go out of my way to try and 'fix' you.

"The Bible says, "For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved" -Romans 10:13. " So does saying 'oh god oh god oh god!' during sex count? If so, I'm saved so fuck off.

"LET'S REVIEW FOR A MOMENT" FUCK! There's gonna be a test on this?

"Realize That God Loves You ...... John 3:16" Go to courthouse after finding rabbit in pot and get restraining order.
"All Men Are Sinners ...... Romans 3:23" Hell yeah, I'm in the clear.
"Sin Must Be Paid For ...... Romans 6:23" So do my groceries dumbass.
"Christ Paid For Our Sins ...... Romans 5:8" A little help with the power bill, I'm just sayin'.
"Christ as Our Savior ...... Romans 10:13" And Cthulhu for President 2012! Who wants the world to end with a whimper?

"PRAY AND RECEIVE CHRIST AS YOUR SAVIOR" Personally, I make it a habit to not talk to imaginary friends. I am an adult now. And I only try to save money. Can he help with that, is he like a personal banker, because that whole living forever thing is bullshit.

"Lord, I know that I am a sinner. If I died today I would not go to heaven. Forgive my sin, come into my life and be my Savior. Help me live for You from this day forward. In Jesus' name, Amen." So, ummm... wow. Are you like an abused wife? You do know you can get out of situations that are abusive like this. You, as an individual, have self worth. You don't need someone to make all your choices in life for you. Most of the time it just takes a little bit of common sense. Try thinking on your own for a change instead of parroting tired old abused wife bullshit.

"The Bible says, "For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved." Romans 10:13." See above, I'm sure I've cried "Oh god!" at least once in my days.

"NEW LIFE" But I wasn't done with the old one. You gotta conserve man.

"Everlasting life begins when we receive Christ as our Savior." Ummm... no fanfics about sparkly vampires, or zombies please.

LET US HELP YOU IN YOUR NEW LIFE AS A CHRISTIAN Fuck! Was that what this was all about! You fucking cock-teases. I thought I was going to get a sugar daddy to pay my light bill. Fuck off. Just like I tell you when you come knocking on my door. I am not, nor will I ever be a christian. I'm a fucking atheist. What part of that don't you understand?

"Study the Bible with us and build your life on a solid foundation." Ummm... how bout fuck you? My life is fine and I don't need any help thank you very much. The solid foundation that I'm on, that's all me motherfucker. I don't need some fairytale to delude myself and cloud my ability to live. And I sure the fuck wouldn't study jack shit with you assholes.

So, this was my fun day. I'm gonna have to scan this thing. Honestly, this was far less offensive than some of the tracts I've seen before. It isn't very convincing and trying to guilt people into doing things is no way to convince them of anything. Nor are threats. What you need to convince people like me is proof. You have none other than your book of fairy tales. And there are fairy tales that are far older than yours. That doesn't make them correct either because, just like yours, they are myths. Plain and simple. I wouldn't believe in your god any more than I believe in the tooth fairy.

This is not a decision I have made recently. I mean, I don't have the perfect family and there's been a lot of shit that's gone down with my family, but I'll give my parents the fact that they never once pushed any form of religion on us. If anything, I got a curiosity from learning from my father. He gave me more than his eyes and natural aptitude for being an asshole, he gave me the want to learn. This is a man, for all of his flaws that would never once deny any of us the ability to learn. He would take us to the library. He liked to drink, but he had a far worse addiction that he hasn't shaken, and I'm glad that he hasn't. He loves to read. He reads constantly and voraciously. This is a man that can tear through a stack of 20 paperbacks in a week. This is a man who read the encyclopedias when he didn't find anything that he wanted to read. The regular encyclopedias and the science encyclopedias. And I got this terrible habit from him. I'm a little worse though. I hate to get rid of books. He could buy twenty books, read them and immediately take them to the library and donate them. The branch library that was near our house had probably 90% of the westerns, sci-fi, fantasy, and military books donated by my father. It's sad when the librarians all know who you are because your dad is such an avid devourer of books. Of all of his habits, this is one I don't ever want him to lose. It helped him recover from a series of strokes and helped to get his thinking back in order. It was slow, but he's back up to his old speed and it's good.

This is the influence I had on my life. I devour both fiction and non-fiction books. And through those books, I learn new things. I don't take things for granted. I don't rely on faith if I don't understand things. I go and try to learn about those things instead. It's much more fun than saying 'goddit' and remaining ignorant of the wonder of the world we live in. And no, fucking 'goddit' is never a valid answer.

By the way, the odd formatting is how they had everything in their little tract. Bold, italics, the whole shebang.

Nothing much of Interest

So, there really is nothing of interest here as of yet.

I'm pretty certain I'll get fired up to have a good rant about something, usually work, and usually with good reason. But as of yet, it has been a thoroughly boring day. That's not to say that it was productive. I work 12 hour shifts and one can get quite a bit done in that amount of time.

Twelve hour work days can be quite long and tedious. I do several things at my job. One of the ladies jokes and says that I'm a jack-of-all-trades, master of none. I can't argue with that. I do just a little bit of everything. I work doing light housekeeping sometimes, I answer phones, and make certain that the residents are healthy and safe. I respond to emergencies. I get annoyed by the nonsense that occurs when working in a place like this. What kind of place? A very common place. It is home to many people. I take care of them no matter how infuriating they can be. No matter what happens. It's my job. It's the job I've been doing, for the most part, thanklessly for the past 11 years.

That's not to say that what we do here isn't appreciated. It is for the most part. It's not the residents that are unappreciative. They are. They will tell you that (unless they decide that they are going to go off their meds and spiral down into depression and paranoia. And there's not a damn thing you can do about it). It's the families that dump their relatives here like trash and never once check on them again. They think they've done the right thing by putting them in a place that they'll be safe. A place where the cooking, cleaning, driving and entertaining is done. Sure, it's better than them dying alone in their home or an apartment and being found days, weeks or months later. Sadly, those people that throw away their families. I've seen it time and time again. Sadly, we become those people's family. We become the one's that they depend on. We become their companions. If it weren't for us, those people would probably die alone and abandoned. Pretty depressing isn't it?

You can't help but think of it that way sometimes. Because you can't really sugarcoat reality. Today was a pretty good day though. One of the ladies that have been off her meds is trying to get back into the real world. She's not being paranoid or insulting or accusatory. She's been polite and asking for assistance about getting information about her insurance and what her medicine is going to cost to refill it. It was a relief. I expected her to be angry and hateful. It's always nice to be surprised, especially when you're trying to do something nice for someone.

I made several others happy by playing games with them. I talked with them. I helped them with small problems that seem very difficult for them, like pouring a glass of water and not spilling it. I don't feel like I should win an award for doing this job. It is a job. It's not what I intended to do with my life at all. But for the time being it's fine. It's been fine for 11 years.

Today's productive work day was made tolerable by a handful of bands. Songlist as follows:

• 01. Ai Senshi from 0079-0088 by Gackt
• 01. Ash Like Snow from Ash Like Snow by the brilliant green
• 01. Faraway from Faraway by Gackt
• 01. Flower from Flower by Gackt
• 01. Freedom Fighters from Freedom Fighters by Miyavi
• 01. GHOST from GHOST by Gackt
• 01. Hakanaku mo Towa no Kanashi from Hakanaku mo Towa no Kanashi by UVERworld
• 01. Jesus from GLADIATOR Evolution by Gackt
• 01. Journey Through the Decade from Journey Through the Decade by Gackt
• 01. Kuro no Keiyakusha - Kakusei Heroism - The Hero Without a Name from Kuro no Keiyakusha Kakusei Heroism - The Hero Without a Name by Antic Cafe
• 01. Koakuma Heaven from Koakuma Heaven by Gackt
• 01. Lacrimosa from Lacrimosa by Kalafina
• 01. LOST ANGELS from LOST ANGELS by Gackt
• 01. Monochrome no Kiss from Monochrome no Kiss by SID
• 01. Pray from Pray by Tommy Heavenly6
• 01. Sekai ga Owaru Made wa .../Fake from Sekai go Owaru Made wa.../Fake by ACID
• 01. The Next Decade from The Next Decade by Gackt
• 02. Cube from Kimi no tame ni dekiru by Gackt
• 02. Dirty from the KILLER show by Nightmare
• 02. In Flames from Flower by Gackt
• 02. My Father's Day from Koakuma Heaven by Gackt
• 02. No Reason from LOST ANGELS by Gackt
• 02. Oblivious from Faraway by Gackt
• 03. Chapter 1 from Play by SID
• 03. Mizerable from GLADIATOR Evolution by Gackt
• 03. Suddenly from LOST ANGELS by Gackt
• 04. Burial Applicant from STACKED RUBBISH by the Gazette
• 04. Dozing Green (English) from Uroboros (Unplugged) by Dir en grey
• 04. ILLUMINATI from merveilles by Malice Mizer
• 04. Premier Amour from Voyage by Malice Mizer
• 05. Believe from Ultimate Circus by Nightmare
• 01. Anata no Koe ga iro aseyou from Kuroshitsuji Black Box Soundtrack, Disc 3 by Ono Daisuke
• 05. Dozing Green (Japanese) from Uroboros (Unplugged) by Dir en grey
• 05. Kuririn Manson from Jinsei Game by Sendai Kamotsu
• 05. Tsuki no Ame from Kuroshitsuji Black Box Soundtrack, Disc 3 by Ono Daisuke
• 06. Glass Skin (English) from Uroboros by Dir en Grey
• 06. Kalmia from Rebirth by Gackt
• 07. au revoir from merveilles by Malice Mizer
• 07. DAYBREAK'S BELL from KISS by L'Arc en Ciel
• 07. Dears from 0079-0088 by Gackt
• 07. Raison d'etre from the KILLER show by Nightmare
• 08. Je te veux from merveilles by Malice Mizer
• 08. Love Letter from 0079-0088 by Gackt
• 09. A Lone Player from Persona Soundtrack
• 09. Megurai from 0079-0088 by Gackt
• 09. S-CONSCIOUS from merveilles by Malice Mizer
• 09. Sorrow in the Box from Pray for the Future by ACID
• 09. Trible Neet from Jinsei Game by Sendai Kamotsu
• 10. Le Ceil from merveilles by Malice Mizer

And now I'm cracking up at that list which is skewed heavily into the anime and Gackt. 16 of the songs are anime related by either being an anime opening or ending song or they're from the Gundam CD that Gackt put out. It's really sad that I had this in a loop all day on my player. Oh well, at least I enjoyed myself.