And so it begins...

I just love my job. There's never a dull moment. This morning alone I was helping a poor bird get back out of a precarious situation he had gotten himself into. This afternoon however is the start of something I don't like. Again. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people trying to foist their nonsensical sky fairy beliefs on me. I don't go for that shit. I never have. What right do you have to come and judge me and decide that my life is so wrong that you need to intervene with your imaginary friend? Irregardless of that fact, I was handed a lovely little tract today from one of the ladies that live here. She suggested that my spouse and I should really read this because we needed it and would like it. NORMALLY, I would spout off something rather impolite, probably along the lines of them self pleasuring them self with a rusty garden implement, but... I am at work. I have to be polite, nice and not tell the residents to fuck themselves with a rusty rake, sideways.

So I smile at her and thank her. She goes on her way and I look at the little tract she has handed me. It's nice to know that her church is using those donations wisely. On expensive little pieces of full color glossy paper with a smattering of bible verses, a map to the church, a listing of the services and a prayer to not be a sinner and accept the sky fairy into my heart. Pardon me, I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

And the substance? Not so much actually. It starts off with a picture of a clock and the title "It's Time for You to Know". So, is this the long fabled sex talk that my parents never gave me because it's too embarrassing?

I open it up and see... ah! They enjoy the caps lock. They must have heard that it's cruise control for cool! "YOU CAN KNOW FOR SURE THAT IF YOU DIED TODAY YOU WOULD GO TO HEAVEN." Really? How does that work exactly? I plan on being cremated or chemically digested after I die. I don't hold any special attachment to my body and I hope that those who are left with my empty shell don't get too emotional about it. I'll be gone, I really won't mind! Get rid of the damn thing. Have a party and make fun of me for the last time while you get good and drunk. Honestly, that's all I ask. So, what seed of wisdom follows this caps lock statement?

"If Jesus Christ returned today do you know for sure that you would go to heaven with him?" Honestly, I'd rather not go anywhere with a dude that's been dead that long, even if it's supposed to be some super fabulous invite only club. I've never been into that kind of thing either. Besides that, wasn't dude big on the sausage fests anyway? I mean, the majority of my really good friends have been guys and that's cool and all, but shit, I've got a lot of questions. Is there going to be liquor in this place? Will I be able to smoke again without paying outrageous amounts of money? This sounds like an exclusive place, I'm not sure I can even afford to use their bathrooms. And didn't Jesus hang with hookers? I totally work with senior citizens. I don't work a corner, nor have I ever. I'm pretty sure he's not the type of person I usually associate with.

"REALIZE THAT GOD LOVES YOU" Seriously, don't make me get a restraining order. He never even asked me out. Fucking stalker.

"God loves you and has a plan for your life." Seriously you stalker bastard, back the fuck off. I have a plan for my own life thank you very much and if there's one thing I can't stand is someone trying to tell me what I'm going to do with my life so fuck off you creepy shit.

"For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." So, not just a creepy stalker but a drama whore too with 'issues'. Does he have a Stickcam account? I bet he does. Don't tell me you're hung up on that fucking bullshit excuse for a series of vampire books Twilight too. Fuck me you are one twisted old fuck. You loved everyone so much you off your only kid so people will believe that you're someone that should be praised? And people that believe this are going to live forever? Will they sparkle too?

"THE BIBLE SAYS THAT ALL MEN ARE SINNERS". Not my problem man, I thought the book was overwrought and boring as shit. The Hobbit says there's this dragon named Smaug that has this massive ass horde of gold. You don't see me falling over myself looking to get some hobbits and dwarves to adventure with do you? No? I didn't think so.

"Our sins have seperated us from God." No dude, it sounds like some prison time or commitment to a mental health facility is in the offing for that dude. Seriously. Restraining order.

"For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God." - Romans 3:23." I don't think a child killer is all that glorious. And as for 'sins', says who? I don't subscribe to such a concept or notion. Compared to Mr. Torture-my-child-to-death-for-attention-and-fame, I come off smelling like a rose.

"God made man in His own image. He gave man the ability to choose right from wrong. We choose to sin. Our sins separate us from God." Ummm... I'm pretty sure without a reasonable doubt I am the product of my parents, shall we say... getting it on. I mean, I look like my mom, only I have my dad's hair and eye color. That's a pretty strong indication that no sky fairy had a hand in my parents boffing. As for the sinning part... ummm... kill your kid much?

"GOD'S WORD ALSO SAYS THAT SIN MUST BE PAID FOR." Which is why I get a paycheck every two weeks. If I am a sinner that has done something so horrible that I'm being punished, I can't think of a better place to be than where I work now.

"For the wages of sin is death." Like I said, I can't think of better place for me to be working. Do you know how many people that have died on this job? It's an old folks home for crying out loud. Who has the bad luck to be the one to find them about 60% of the time? That's right, me. Seriously though, all men are sinners and if you sin you'll die. Wow. Brilliant conclusion. No one lives forever and the moment you're born, you're dying. No sky fairy or book of myths from middle eastern goatherders is going to change the fact that each and everyone of us will die. It is a fact of life. You're born, you live, you die. That's it. Nothing more. Try to enjoy what happens between the first and third parts.

"Wages means payment. The payment of our sin is death and hell, separation from God forever. If we continue in our sin, we shall die without Christ and be without God forever." Doesn't sound like a bad bargain to me. Moody fucking psycho bastard won't be able to get at me when I die, nor will I have to meet up with his zombie child? Kick-ass. Not that I believe any of this twisted fairy tale bullshit anyway.

"THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT CHRIST PAID FOR OUR SINS." Okay. Did he like whip out a Mastercard or something? And if he paid for that shit, why the hell are you carrying on about it at all. It's cool. The tab's been settled.

"All our sins were laid on Christ on the cross. He paid our sin debt for us. The Lord Jesus Christ died on the cross, and He arose from the dead. He is alive forevermore." Fuck. Zombies again. Shit. Where did I leave my shotgun. Remember kids, headshots. Always take the headshot. Works every time.

"But God commendeth his love toward us, that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." - Romans 5:8." Uh huh. I'm not into S&M so trying to lay a guilt trip on me and equate it with love reminds me of living with my alcoholic dad. I got the hell out of there as soon as I could. Why the hell would I jump back into something like that?

"WE MUST PERSONALLY PRAY AND RECEIVE CHRIST BY FAITH AS OUR SAVIOR." And why exactly should I? Some supernatural stalker/guilt trip bit? Some nonsense that was put to paper a hundred years after it was supposed to have happened? Ummm... no, fuck off. I don't put much stock in 'faith'. Faith is nonsense. It is giving over your natural thought process because you're afraid to admit there is something that you don't know and you don't like that feeling. And because you don't know, you do as our ancestor's did. Oh no! Loud noises and flashing lights in the sky! The god of the sky is angry! Let us appease him! I'm thinking no. Nothing you have shown me has any bearing on my life, so get the fuck over yourself and get the hell out of my face. The only thing I must do is get my ass out of bed and function like a well adjusted human being. I must pay my bills or I will not have lights, phone, or internet. I must pay my rent or I will not have a place to live. I must take care of my pets because they are helpless animals that have been domesticated by humans and would have a difficult time adjusting to living in the wild. And if you see that as selfish, fuck you. I don't see you paying my bills or anything so let me do my job and get the fuck away from me. I'll respect you as much as you respect me. If you think I'm a sad little lost soul, how do you think I'm gonna see you? Though to be fair, I won't be trying to 'save' you. You can't save someone from delusions. I've worked with too many mentally ill people to know that. It's something that you have to decide for yourself and I sure the fuck am not going to go out of my way to try and 'fix' you.

"The Bible says, "For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved" -Romans 10:13. " So does saying 'oh god oh god oh god!' during sex count? If so, I'm saved so fuck off.

"LET'S REVIEW FOR A MOMENT" FUCK! There's gonna be a test on this?

"Realize That God Loves You ...... John 3:16" Go to courthouse after finding rabbit in pot and get restraining order.
"All Men Are Sinners ...... Romans 3:23" Hell yeah, I'm in the clear.
"Sin Must Be Paid For ...... Romans 6:23" So do my groceries dumbass.
"Christ Paid For Our Sins ...... Romans 5:8" A little help with the power bill, I'm just sayin'.
"Christ as Our Savior ...... Romans 10:13" And Cthulhu for President 2012! Who wants the world to end with a whimper?

"PRAY AND RECEIVE CHRIST AS YOUR SAVIOR" Personally, I make it a habit to not talk to imaginary friends. I am an adult now. And I only try to save money. Can he help with that, is he like a personal banker, because that whole living forever thing is bullshit.

"Lord, I know that I am a sinner. If I died today I would not go to heaven. Forgive my sin, come into my life and be my Savior. Help me live for You from this day forward. In Jesus' name, Amen." So, ummm... wow. Are you like an abused wife? You do know you can get out of situations that are abusive like this. You, as an individual, have self worth. You don't need someone to make all your choices in life for you. Most of the time it just takes a little bit of common sense. Try thinking on your own for a change instead of parroting tired old abused wife bullshit.

"The Bible says, "For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved." Romans 10:13." See above, I'm sure I've cried "Oh god!" at least once in my days.

"NEW LIFE" But I wasn't done with the old one. You gotta conserve man.

"Everlasting life begins when we receive Christ as our Savior." Ummm... no fanfics about sparkly vampires, or zombies please.

LET US HELP YOU IN YOUR NEW LIFE AS A CHRISTIAN Fuck! Was that what this was all about! You fucking cock-teases. I thought I was going to get a sugar daddy to pay my light bill. Fuck off. Just like I tell you when you come knocking on my door. I am not, nor will I ever be a christian. I'm a fucking atheist. What part of that don't you understand?

"Study the Bible with us and build your life on a solid foundation." Ummm... how bout fuck you? My life is fine and I don't need any help thank you very much. The solid foundation that I'm on, that's all me motherfucker. I don't need some fairytale to delude myself and cloud my ability to live. And I sure the fuck wouldn't study jack shit with you assholes.

So, this was my fun day. I'm gonna have to scan this thing. Honestly, this was far less offensive than some of the tracts I've seen before. It isn't very convincing and trying to guilt people into doing things is no way to convince them of anything. Nor are threats. What you need to convince people like me is proof. You have none other than your book of fairy tales. And there are fairy tales that are far older than yours. That doesn't make them correct either because, just like yours, they are myths. Plain and simple. I wouldn't believe in your god any more than I believe in the tooth fairy.

This is not a decision I have made recently. I mean, I don't have the perfect family and there's been a lot of shit that's gone down with my family, but I'll give my parents the fact that they never once pushed any form of religion on us. If anything, I got a curiosity from learning from my father. He gave me more than his eyes and natural aptitude for being an asshole, he gave me the want to learn. This is a man, for all of his flaws that would never once deny any of us the ability to learn. He would take us to the library. He liked to drink, but he had a far worse addiction that he hasn't shaken, and I'm glad that he hasn't. He loves to read. He reads constantly and voraciously. This is a man that can tear through a stack of 20 paperbacks in a week. This is a man who read the encyclopedias when he didn't find anything that he wanted to read. The regular encyclopedias and the science encyclopedias. And I got this terrible habit from him. I'm a little worse though. I hate to get rid of books. He could buy twenty books, read them and immediately take them to the library and donate them. The branch library that was near our house had probably 90% of the westerns, sci-fi, fantasy, and military books donated by my father. It's sad when the librarians all know who you are because your dad is such an avid devourer of books. Of all of his habits, this is one I don't ever want him to lose. It helped him recover from a series of strokes and helped to get his thinking back in order. It was slow, but he's back up to his old speed and it's good.

This is the influence I had on my life. I devour both fiction and non-fiction books. And through those books, I learn new things. I don't take things for granted. I don't rely on faith if I don't understand things. I go and try to learn about those things instead. It's much more fun than saying 'goddit' and remaining ignorant of the wonder of the world we live in. And no, fucking 'goddit' is never a valid answer.

By the way, the odd formatting is how they had everything in their little tract. Bold, italics, the whole shebang.

It's all Decade's fault

I'm not a big watcher of television. I don't like most of the vapid nonsense and 'reality' television shows that are on for the most part. I cancelled my cable subscription years ago and don't miss it at all. If there is a TV show that I want to watch, I'll buy the DVDs when they come out. I can wait for shows that are worthwhile and the bonus is I don't have to wade through commercials and wait for the storyline to continue every week. Cliffhangers can still be annoying if they occur at the end of a season, but I'll get over it.

On the other hand, I'm a junkie for anime and some hilarious live action shows from Japan. I regularly watch fansubs of these shows and buy them when and if they come over to the states. For those who don't know what fansubs are, they are basically translations for the shows that are put together by fans for other fans. There is no profit to be made off these shows and the people that do the translations are doing it only to share their love of a particular show or anime. Most of the time, at least with the anime, the groups have them translated, encoded, timed and uploaded within a few days of the show airing in it's native country.

I used to watch Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I was not a child when this show aired either. There's something completely compelling about grown men and women running around in costumes, fighting other people in rubber suits that just equals complete win. Yeah, I may be immature for this stuff, but I honestly don't care. I got addicted to a new series, which has the same, guys in costumes wire fighting other guys in costumes and rubber suits complete with sparks and highly dubious special effects. I sat and watched an entire series in about two days. All 31 episodes. Thankfully, I was off work those days, otherwise my boss might have killed me.

What the hell kind of show is that? Kamen Rider. I'm a junkie now. I think my spouse thought I was crazy when he came home and saw me in front of my computer monitor, entranced by the over acting by becostumed individuals and the crazy rubber suited fight scenes. If you've seen Ultra Man, you know what I'm talking about. Some of the monsters are on par with old Godzilla movies. The good ones before people tried to screw them all up by not using guys in rubber suits to actually play Godzilla. I'm talking about you any US company that ruins the series. Animated or film. These types of shows are called Tokusatsu, and are typically sci-fi, horror or fantasy. Kamen Riders are basically masked (kamen) riders and, regardless if they use the damn thing a lot or not, they typically have some pimped out motorcycle. I did it kind of backwards however. I started watching Kamen Rider with Kamen Rider Decade, which pretty much spoils all the other Kamen Rider series and can cause some confusion about what the hell is actually going on in the damn show. Didn't throw me off too much, it just made me go and get some more series.

What made me want to check out this show, other than the references in some of the manga that I read? Partially it was one of the image boards I hang out on. They talk about the different series in general quite a bit and are pretty friendly about giving advice on which one to watch. I didn't ask however, I just jumped right in. I don't regret possibly spoiling other shows in the series. Most of the time, you can't really spoil things for me. It won't ruin my day to know what happens at the end of the book I'm reading. It won't ruin a movie if I know how it ends. It's all right, it's the journey that gets you to that end that counts, right? The other reason I picked this particular one to start with, I saw a PV for a song. I didn't know it was the opening song for Decade when I watched it, but the little bit of wire fighting and rubber suit action that I saw sold me. Plus, I like the song, so it's all right. What song? This one.



I'm curious as to how the series is going to finally end, and how many movies it's going to take to actually resolve the storyline. Yes, the series ended with a cliff hanger. There are two movies as of now, and I haven't gotten to see them yet. The title of the post refers to the main character, Decade. Everything is his fault. That's a recurring theme as he travels through different dimensions to try and find out where he is from and trying to keep worlds from being destroyed. It's complicated and at the same time it's not. I'm just waiting to see the end of it. I'm betting with old H man on this one though.


This is a parody, don't take it personally! If you can't take a joke, then I don't know what to tell you!



I'll just end this with a little more music and Kamen Rider.

Very Tiresome

Many things in life are very tiresome. My weekend was full of them. As I said, I work in a facility that is home to many seniors and the mentally ill. I will state that it is not a nursing home however and we are not a skilled care facility. The job can be tiring mentally and physically, sometimes emotionally. There are also times that you just want to wash your hands of the whole thing and be done with it.

Right now is one of those times. Not because of my co-workers or boss. Not because of the majority of the people who live there, who are great and very nice people. No, none of those are the cause of my weariness. What is, however, is mental illness. And it's not because I'm not empathetic to people who are mentally ill. Far from it. There are several people that live there that aren't merely just residents. They are also friends and consider me to be the same to them. Many of them are mentally ill. A great many of the people who live there are quite ill. They are usually not a problem, but they all have issues once in awhile. This is normal for people when they have these kind of problems.

There's also the kind of people that believe that they don't need medication to be fine. These are the kind of people that need the medication the most. They refuse to get their medicine. They refuse to take it. It's especially bad when the person is schizophrenic. It's even worse when this person does it all the time. It's tiring. Very, very tiring. At this point in time, I can honestly say that I would feel nothing if something were to happen to this person. They have brought me to that point. I don't care anymore. I really don't. I don't care if they aren't taking their medication. I don't care if they're refusing to eat. I just don't care.

I know that's probably not the best way to look at things. I know that schizophrenia is a terrible disease. This person isn't the only one I work with that has it. She's the worst though. She does this because she wants attention. Not because she's convinced that her meds are not working. She knows that they are working. She's the kind of person that wants attention twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. I know this because after 8 years, you know the person's routine and behavior, even with an illness. The mental health facilities have given up on her because of this. She has had doctors throw her out of the hospital because of this. They know that she is doing it for attention. They're just as sick of it as I am.

What is the most galling is the fact that this behavior, which was not out of control 2 months ago, doesn't have to occur. Her family is no help. I have actually had her power of attorney laugh into the phone because the woman has almost physically attacked me. She constantly verbally attacks anyone that she gets in her sights. You don't even have to have done anything to her. You could be some random guest visiting another resident and she could pounce. She verbally attacks other residents, especially the other ones that are mentally ill and tries to get them riled up.

Friday night was a perfect example of this. One of the men, who has severe anger issues and is bipolar had finished his dinner and was going to talk to another resident about sports. She called him over. He greeted her and she told him that she was angry at him because of what he had done, but she had forgiven him and he'd have to live with what he had done. This was the recurring theme for the weekend. He was obviously baffled, and I can't say that I blamed him. The man had been out all day and hadn't bothered a soul. He wanted to talk about an upcoming basketball game with someone that wasn't completely batfuck crazy.

He asked what he had done. It was her typical, you know what you did. At this point he said that it was nice for her to forgive him, even if he didn't know what it was that he did. He was bothered because she wouldn't tell him and would probably have a hard time sleeping that night because of it. He wasn't being sarcastic. He was upset. I intervened at this point and took him to the side and explained that what she was doing was trying to upset him and he had done nothing wrong. It took me awhile to get him to understand that he didn't do anything wrong and if she approached him again, it would be best to just walk away or ignore her for the time being. He thanked me and went to his apartment.

At this point it took every ounce of my strength to not go over there and slap that smug, self satisfied grin off her face. It really did. I would have had not greater pleasure at that point in time. But of course, this was just Friday and I had 24 more hours to work over the next two days, so things would not get better.

Saturday she decided since I was having a conversation with my spouse before he left after dropping me off for my 12 hour shift, alone with this madwoman, she would be the stupid cunt that she was and attack both of us. And it began that she knew deep down she knew we were good people and knew the difference from right and wrong. And I would feel really bad if something happened to her. I bit my tongue. I really wanted to say, actually, no. I wouldn't feel bad at all if something happened to you because the other residents here and staff would feel much better. They wouldn't be afraid of you attacking them the moment they happened to walk by on their way to do something else, or visit with a friend, or eat their meals. It would actually be a relief if that were to happen because then everyone would have a break from your bullshit and drama. I didn't say that though. I didn't actually get the chance. My spouse told her that she could believe what she liked, but if she needed help we could call her an ambulance, or she could have a seat. She had a seat without another word.

It's best to end the conversation quickly and with as little irritation as possible with her. At this point, after this many years though, it's hard. It's very, very hard. My boss came through later in the day and she came right over and began repeating exactly the same thing again. We were going to have to live with ourselves if something bad were to happen to her. At that point I took a deep breath. Don't blow up. Don't blow up. The boss then says, yeah, we have to live with ourselves, but so do you. Especially the way you treat people and accuse them of things that they didn't do and she knows aren't true. She didn't smile her little smug grin then. She said, well, I guess that's all I wanted to say. And parked her ass in a chair again.

Now that wasn't everything that she brought up. There was a new stinger to it though. The law of the land was that good always triumphs over evil.

Fuck. Me. Running. It's time to start the religious bullshit again. And oh is she fucking crazy for god. She obsesses over it. She's waiting for jebus to make everything in the world well. She's going to pray on it. She's going to pray for you. You need to pray on it. Fuck.

Except that she didn't get all fundigelical on me. No, she got fucking worse. She got paranoid and hateful and angry. Not angry as in someone pisses you off. Angry as in three year old temper tantrum. Which is remarkably similar to her behavior. And that all came out Sunday. She was polite, but refuse to eat and take her medicine. For the most part she was quiet. Until my 10th fucking hour of being there. I asked her at dinner time if she was going to eat. She grinned and kind of laughed and said no. I asked her if she wanted her medicine. Same response. I said, okay that's your choice and went back to my other work. A full hour later she came up to the desk where I was talking to another resident. This resident has several problems and is very timid. He's a good guy though, even if he doesn't always grasp every nuance of interpersonal behavior. (He's autistic for the record and has bipolar disorder along with a host of other problems, but that is neither here nor there.) She decided she was mad that I asked if she wanted her medicine. Because I knew she hadn't eaten all day. I let her finish. Then I told her, calmly, (oh fuck was I calm!) that she was asked during all three meals to eat and she refused. She went into the dining room during meal time repeatedly and had ample opportunity to eat. I could not nor would I force her to do anything. I couldn't. It was her choice entirely and our conversation was over. That pissed her off more, and I directed my attention to the resident that had been there first and continued the discussion we were having about jellyfish that had been found in the arctic and looked at some pictures from National Geographic. He was kind of upset momentarily. It didn't take him long to forget about her because I was refusing to give her the satisfaction of upsetting me and him.

There would have been nothing better than letting her have it back, verbally with my very colorful vocabulary. But I smiled and told her in a pleasant tone that nope, there would be none of this, so go sit back down and pout now. She did. Fifteen minutes later she went to her room. I think that was when the other residents relaxed a little. Several actually sat down and played cards and had a good time after they ate their dinner. Another sat down and read the paper. And my weekend at the Clusterfuck Arms came to a close.

I'd like to think I'm done with her and all of that is over. It's not of course. I have to be back there in two days for another 24 hour run over 2 days. Oh joy of joys!

I understand that mental illness is not pleasant and some of what I've said wasn't the most empathetic. If you had to go through this as often as I do, you might feel the same. I'm not a psychiatrist or a psychiatric nurse. This job wasn't always full of psych patients. I am very aware of the toll these illnesses take on people, affected and those who are around the people with the illness. Sometimes however, you do reach a point that you get fed the fuck up. I am. All of my co-workers are. My boss is. I just needed to vent so I don't explode at her and lose my job, though at this point I don't think I would. She's burned all her bridges, especially when she refuses to pay her rent and her family has to send it nine times out of ten.

Incompetent.

dprjones makes excellent videos on YouTube exposing idiocy and hypocrisy. He's quite hilarious and I find his videos entertaining. He talks about the Incompetent that people call god in this video. It isn't as comical as some of his others, but I like it.



And people pray to this incompetent?

Enjoy!

I love this song.

Just bored at the moment and was curious if there was a PV for Nightmare's Lost in Blue. There is. It's a little more dark than the music. Oh well. I love this song.

Lost in Blue by Nightmare.

Stupid Fun

So I took this silly test. Somehow I ended up being a pretty violent person. Oh well. Must be all those damn games I play.

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	High
Level 2 (Lustful)	High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Very Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very High
Level 7 (Violent)	Very High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante Inferno Hell Test

It's about the fun stupid

This made me laugh. Nintendo boasts 9 million advantage among female console gamers. Why did this make me laugh? Because Nintendo is claiming that they have most of the female gamer market tied up. Do they? Who knows, they don't list any numbers for Sony or Microsoft.

I do own a Nintendo products. I do not own a Wii. I do not like the Wii. It's a gimmick, in my opinion, to lure new players with a new twist on gaming that is basically you waving your arms around like a moron. I don't see that as entertainment.

Now the DS is a different story. I have a DS and I enjoy it. I also own a Gameboy Advance SP, a Gameboy Color, a Gameboy Pocket, and an original NES. However, that doesn't mean that I'm playing those systems all the time. I am the primary gamer in the house, I will admit that. I don't get into casual games that much. I want to play games that are challenging and take quite a bit of work to finish. Most games I play are far from what would appear on a Wii.

I also own a PSP1000 series. And I play it. I watch anime on it. I watch videos of all sorts on it. I play PS1 games on it. I play downloaded games on it. I listen to music on it. I read manga on it. I love the damn thing. While a friend borrowed it several months ago there was a terrible tragedy and it's poor screen was broken. You know what? A new screen costs $30 and is easily replaced. It's never looked better and plays beautifully. Right now, it's not doing anything else but waiting for me to get back to playing Persona PSP. And I will.

And I own actual consoles besides that NES. I own 2 Atari 2600s. They both still work as well. I own an original fat PS1. It sadly really needs to go in the trash. I killed the poor thing from overuse. That's not the first console I've killed either. I've been the cruel murderer of no less than 3 PS2s. They all limped to their demises from overuse. I am on my fourth one. A nice shiny slim that still gets a vigorous work out. And then there is my baby. My 60 gig PS3. One of the original PS3s that came out at release. One that I payed waaaay too much for. Do I mind? Hell no. I love my PS3 and I love the blood soaked games I play on it. Yes, I have Little Big Planet and Civ, but I haven't beaten Little Big Planet and I've overplayed Civ into submission.

I won't lie. The majority of the games I own are rated M. Bioshock was slapped around like a red headed step child in a evening and a few hours the next morning. Dead Space was hijacked by my significant other. I can't play the game if someone else in the house is. I have to start it all over because I lost track of where I was in the game. Which is sad because in the two days that I played it, I got halfway through it. Overlord was a riot. Assassin's Creed was my bitch the day it came out.

My favorite game on the PS3? That would have to be Resistance 2. I cannot get enough of that game. I have yet to finish the story mode. I am an online co-op play junkie for R2. I know Orick like the back of my hand. I don't frag the n00bs too much. I help. I'm the psycho soldier that barrels right in at the enemy like I'm invincible. I'm the spec ops that you never see unless you're getting a refill of ammo and then I'm gone, sniping those Chimeran bastards. And honestly, I'm that really sucky medic. That's probably why the medic is the only one I don't have maxed. I'm also the person that 90% of the matches I play in have 2x as many points as the other players and am the leader in kills. And it's fine. Most of the guys on PSN are pretty cool. I've got a friend list of pretty good length just from good matches in R2. And clan invites out the ass. None of them know I'm female however. Honestly I don't think many of them that have played any length of time with me would mind either. Even the annoying 12 year olds that keep dying and yelling for ammo because they couldn't hit the broadside of a barn if they were two feet away. I'll still give up the ammo. I'll still rush up there and revive you, even if I'm not a medic. Because I want to game. And it shouldn't matter if I'm male or female. All that should matter is that it's game time.

I guess I'm not one of those stereotypical female gamers. Then again, every time one of these stories pops up, a deluge of female gamers that don't fit into their little notion of what women gamers are respond to said article. I keep my sex ambiguous for the most part. I've been online long enough to know that it saves a load a headaches to keep it that way. Gaming is no different. Let someone know that you're female on a lot of first person shooters and you're gonna get nothing but grief from quite a few of your fellow players. Why is this?

I attribute it in part to the fact that most game companies don't take into account the silent female gamers. The ones that do more than play Cooking Mama or Nintendogs. Honestly, you couldn't pay me enough to pick up either of those games. Most game companies don't hire that many female developers. Gaming is seen as male dominated. At least what many refer to as 'hardcore' gaming. I am not a casual gamer. I have been playing console, handheld, and PC games for around 25 years.

Quit worrying about some ambiguous numbers Nintendo. You may think you have most of the female gamer market tied up, but quite a few of us are silent gamers. Quite few of us spend massive amounts of money on our rigs, systems and games. Not a single one of my game systems or handhelds are pink. I friggen hate pink. I'm not a hardcore Nintendo fan. If anything, I could be considered a Sony fangirl. Which is fine. I don't care as long as I have a good time taking out those Chimera.

Something Happy, for a change.

Here's something that always makes me happy, Maru. Maru should make everyone happy because he's such a sweet kitten.

Not so Happy Holidays

It's that time of year again when everyone starts in the nonsense about the war on Christmas and consumerism takes over everything as stores try to lure the unwary to them to spend their entire paycheck on frivolous things they don't really need. Oh, and that good old family dysfunction that goes so well with the yearly gatherings where everyone is supposed to play nice with others and try to not get so drunk that they actually tell their family what they think of them. Putrid Christmas carols dominate radio and all the stores for a cloying nauseating mix.

Personally, I prefer to avoid all of that. Thanksgiving was a few scant days ago, before that major holiday of the shopper Black Friday. Everyone was talking about the niceties of spending time with their family for the day and making gluttons of themselves over turkey and all the trimmings. I didn't participate in such matters nor did I jump into the twitter war over how it must suck to be an atheist on Thanksgiving because, you know, atheists don't have anything to be thankful for because they don't believe in god.

Whatever. I was thankful that I didn't have to deal with that nonsense of my family and work on that day because I was dealing with something that isn't pleasant. I am a great animal lover. I love my animals. There was one point in time that I was foolish enough to have seven cats. Unfortunately, now only 3 of that original posse is left. My only male cat, Erebus, who I have had since he was 3 months old, had to be put to sleep on Friday morning. The prior weekend he decided that he didn't want to eat as much as he had been, which was the week prior 4 to 5 cans of cat food a day. And he wasn't fat, he was actually pretty skinny because he had another episode like this a few months back and had lost a drastic amount of weight.

By Wednesday night he was refusing to eat all together, even if I was handfeeding him with a food syringe that I had to use with other cats that I lost due to their inability to eat. All he wanted to do was drink water. By Thursday, he was very weak and didn't want to even move. He just laid quietly with his eyes open. He gave me no indication of pain, and it was profoundly sad and very heartbreaking. I was just trying to keep him comfortable, knowing that he was dying. It's a sad thing being so powerless and had I known that he was going to be suffering like that all day on Thursday, I would have taken him to the vet on Wednesday and let him go peacefully.

At least he was not alone and knew that he was loved during the time that he did have to endure that. He was finally allowed to go peacefully on Friday morning. I couldn't be there. Not because I was unable to get away from my job or anything like that. I couldn't do it. After having three other cats put to sleep, no matter how peaceful it was, I couldn't do it. I could barely do it the last time, and it's not because I don't agree with letting those who are suffering just go to sleep. It's incredibly compassionate to relieve that suffering and just let them go to sleep. And that is what happens. It is quick and painless and over in less than a minute. It's the fact that you have to let something that is very important to you go, knowing you will never see them again, unless it is in pictures or video.

I know that when I get home he won't be sitting just inside the door yelling at me to give him food and give it to him now. I know that he won't be sitting next to my chair, putting a paw on my knee to get my attention so he can get in my lap. I know that he won't dart into the bedroom at night and paw my bed with the loudest purr ever in slow motion. I know his glowing white belly won't be presented for rubs. I know that his little orange butt won't be leading the way to the bedroom every time I walk down the hall because he constantly want to go paw the bed. And I know that he won't be on the back of my chair or on the back of the couch trying to give my head a bath. He won't be preening whenever he sees a camera, begging for a picture to be taken. He won't be vying for attention from our former neighbors when they come for a visit nor will he lick Jason's shaved head again while we all laugh. And it's sad and painful. He lived with us for 12+ years and it's going to be hard to get over that.

That was my wonderful Thanksgiving. The thing that tops it all though, is the fact that I never heard a peep out of my family. They didn't call. They didn't email. They did nothing. That's not really all that surprising. I become more and more estranged from them all the time. Not because we have disagreements, but because I moved away and am on my own. I don't move back to mom and dad's house every time my life turns to shit. I think they resent that a little. The fact that I don't come banging down the door if my life is horrible. I'm an adult, and somehow I've turned into the responsible one and I don't come to see them every week. Sorry. I do have a life that doesn't have to revolve around the little hick town my dad retired to. That's pretty much how I feel about it too. Oh well, it's their loss if they want to ignore another one of their children. It's not like it hasn't gotten worse every year, and I've been away from there for 14 years. I guess it just happens.

Nothing much of Interest

So, there really is nothing of interest here as of yet.

I'm pretty certain I'll get fired up to have a good rant about something, usually work, and usually with good reason. But as of yet, it has been a thoroughly boring day. That's not to say that it was productive. I work 12 hour shifts and one can get quite a bit done in that amount of time.

Twelve hour work days can be quite long and tedious. I do several things at my job. One of the ladies jokes and says that I'm a jack-of-all-trades, master of none. I can't argue with that. I do just a little bit of everything. I work doing light housekeeping sometimes, I answer phones, and make certain that the residents are healthy and safe. I respond to emergencies. I get annoyed by the nonsense that occurs when working in a place like this. What kind of place? A very common place. It is home to many people. I take care of them no matter how infuriating they can be. No matter what happens. It's my job. It's the job I've been doing, for the most part, thanklessly for the past 11 years.

That's not to say that what we do here isn't appreciated. It is for the most part. It's not the residents that are unappreciative. They are. They will tell you that (unless they decide that they are going to go off their meds and spiral down into depression and paranoia. And there's not a damn thing you can do about it). It's the families that dump their relatives here like trash and never once check on them again. They think they've done the right thing by putting them in a place that they'll be safe. A place where the cooking, cleaning, driving and entertaining is done. Sure, it's better than them dying alone in their home or an apartment and being found days, weeks or months later. Sadly, those people that throw away their families. I've seen it time and time again. Sadly, we become those people's family. We become the one's that they depend on. We become their companions. If it weren't for us, those people would probably die alone and abandoned. Pretty depressing isn't it?

You can't help but think of it that way sometimes. Because you can't really sugarcoat reality. Today was a pretty good day though. One of the ladies that have been off her meds is trying to get back into the real world. She's not being paranoid or insulting or accusatory. She's been polite and asking for assistance about getting information about her insurance and what her medicine is going to cost to refill it. It was a relief. I expected her to be angry and hateful. It's always nice to be surprised, especially when you're trying to do something nice for someone.

I made several others happy by playing games with them. I talked with them. I helped them with small problems that seem very difficult for them, like pouring a glass of water and not spilling it. I don't feel like I should win an award for doing this job. It is a job. It's not what I intended to do with my life at all. But for the time being it's fine. It's been fine for 11 years.

Today's productive work day was made tolerable by a handful of bands. Songlist as follows:

• 01. Ai Senshi from 0079-0088 by Gackt
• 01. Ash Like Snow from Ash Like Snow by the brilliant green
• 01. Faraway from Faraway by Gackt
• 01. Flower from Flower by Gackt
• 01. Freedom Fighters from Freedom Fighters by Miyavi
• 01. GHOST from GHOST by Gackt
• 01. Hakanaku mo Towa no Kanashi from Hakanaku mo Towa no Kanashi by UVERworld
• 01. Jesus from GLADIATOR Evolution by Gackt
• 01. Journey Through the Decade from Journey Through the Decade by Gackt
• 01. Kuro no Keiyakusha - Kakusei Heroism - The Hero Without a Name from Kuro no Keiyakusha Kakusei Heroism - The Hero Without a Name by Antic Cafe
• 01. Koakuma Heaven from Koakuma Heaven by Gackt
• 01. Lacrimosa from Lacrimosa by Kalafina
• 01. LOST ANGELS from LOST ANGELS by Gackt
• 01. Monochrome no Kiss from Monochrome no Kiss by SID
• 01. Pray from Pray by Tommy Heavenly6
• 01. Sekai ga Owaru Made wa .../Fake from Sekai go Owaru Made wa.../Fake by ACID
• 01. The Next Decade from The Next Decade by Gackt
• 02. Cube from Kimi no tame ni dekiru by Gackt
• 02. Dirty from the KILLER show by Nightmare
• 02. In Flames from Flower by Gackt
• 02. My Father's Day from Koakuma Heaven by Gackt
• 02. No Reason from LOST ANGELS by Gackt
• 02. Oblivious from Faraway by Gackt
• 03. Chapter 1 from Play by SID
• 03. Mizerable from GLADIATOR Evolution by Gackt
• 03. Suddenly from LOST ANGELS by Gackt
• 04. Burial Applicant from STACKED RUBBISH by the Gazette
• 04. Dozing Green (English) from Uroboros (Unplugged) by Dir en grey
• 04. ILLUMINATI from merveilles by Malice Mizer
• 04. Premier Amour from Voyage by Malice Mizer
• 05. Believe from Ultimate Circus by Nightmare
• 01. Anata no Koe ga iro aseyou from Kuroshitsuji Black Box Soundtrack, Disc 3 by Ono Daisuke
• 05. Dozing Green (Japanese) from Uroboros (Unplugged) by Dir en grey
• 05. Kuririn Manson from Jinsei Game by Sendai Kamotsu
• 05. Tsuki no Ame from Kuroshitsuji Black Box Soundtrack, Disc 3 by Ono Daisuke
• 06. Glass Skin (English) from Uroboros by Dir en Grey
• 06. Kalmia from Rebirth by Gackt
• 07. au revoir from merveilles by Malice Mizer
• 07. DAYBREAK'S BELL from KISS by L'Arc en Ciel
• 07. Dears from 0079-0088 by Gackt
• 07. Raison d'etre from the KILLER show by Nightmare
• 08. Je te veux from merveilles by Malice Mizer
• 08. Love Letter from 0079-0088 by Gackt
• 09. A Lone Player from Persona Soundtrack
• 09. Megurai from 0079-0088 by Gackt
• 09. S-CONSCIOUS from merveilles by Malice Mizer
• 09. Sorrow in the Box from Pray for the Future by ACID
• 09. Trible Neet from Jinsei Game by Sendai Kamotsu
• 10. Le Ceil from merveilles by Malice Mizer

And now I'm cracking up at that list which is skewed heavily into the anime and Gackt. 16 of the songs are anime related by either being an anime opening or ending song or they're from the Gundam CD that Gackt put out. It's really sad that I had this in a loop all day on my player. Oh well, at least I enjoyed myself.