Another Day, Another Ramble

Just another boring day at work. Sitting behind a desk for 12 hours answering phones and helping the residents here at my job. And surfing the internet because out of the 6 people that are down here in the lobby at this point in time, 2 are watching a movie, one is waiting for his ride to show up, two are preparing lunch and I'm sitting on my ass at the desk. Doing nothing. Which is my job on the weekends most of the time. Because our census here is low and Sundays are usually pretty quiet. Everyone eats, a few go to church or out with their family, but seldom is there anyone down here. It's no man's land until about a half hour before the next meal. Not that I'm complaining terribly, but it gives me time to look at useless information online, talk with residents or be bored completely out of my mind. Which is why I end up writing most of the crap that I've put on here on Sundays. Imagine that.

So I'm completely bored and the radio is playing utter shite and I have my PSP with me, playing music at a relatively low volume. I'm the only one that can hear it and it drones out the vapid top 40 bullshit pop music. Yes, top 40 vapid bullshit music in a retirement home. That's because the residents just want something so it's not boring and the person that worked before me doesn't like having nothing playing. I tune it out. I'm good at tuning it out, but I prefer to have music playing most of the time. I did forget to change up the music on my PSP so I've got a few albums on there and a couple of concert vids. I'm finishing the last of my lukewarm coffee that doesn't have nearly enough sugar in it to make me happy, and listening to Gackt. Yup. Paint me as a fangirl if you want. I like his music and don't really care too much about if that makes me a fangirl or not. I mean, I'm not crazy, screaming, flailing all over myself when a new video or anything comes out, but the man is talented musically. And he doesn't seem to take himself too seriously, even though he loves the dramatic. So ANYWAY:

GACKT - Setsugekka 雪月花~The end of silence~ PV



This song is rather sad and sappy.

Original/Romaji Lyrics

mikatzuki wo daita kimi ni tsubuyaite
kona yuki to odoru kimi ni aitai
datta hitotsu dake no omoi wo nosete
akaku somaru yuki wo sora ni chiribameta
kimi wo dakishimeru hana to nare
tsunoru omoi megurase sakimidare
kokoro ubawareru hodo kimi wo ai seta koto wo
nando mo nando mo yozora ni sakenda

toiki akaku somete utai tsuzukete ita
koyoi no yume ni zo kimi ga sugata wo
kimi no kieta kisetsu ga mou sugu owaru
saigo no namida, kasane, kono yuki ni kaete miseyou

kimi wo dakishimeru yuki to nare
tsunoru omoi chiribame maiodore
kizu wo kakusou to suru hodo naze ka namida ga furete
kimi no hohoemi ga ima, kasunde mienai

kimi wo terashidasu tsuki ni nareru nara
yozora ni hoshi chiribamete
kimi wa sagasou

karada kuchihatete mo..
kimi wo dakishimeru yuki to nare
yozora no kimi wo irodoru hana ni nare
kimi ni fureyou to suru hodo tsukande wa kieru "yuki no hana"
nando mo nando mo yozora
sakebi tsuzuketa

kimi ni todokimasu you ni...


English Translation

I whispered to you, who held the moon:

"I want to dance with you in this powdery snow" (1)
I gave the only love I had
and scattered the crimson-stained snow to the sky. (2)

Become the flowers that you embraced
Bloom, surrounded by these ever growing feelings
Over and over... I cried into the night sky
That I'd loved you so much I'd lost my soul

You continued to sing as your breath was stained red
"May you appear in my dreams tonight..."
Your final season has nearly reached its end
My last tears gather in my eyes, let's return to this fine snow

Become the snow that you embraced
Scatter these ever growing feelings, dance wildly
Why do these tears flow and make me want to end this pain?
Your smile is becoming blurry now

If I could become the moon that shines upon you
I'd scatter the stars into the night sky
And search for you

Even as my body wasted away...

Become the snow that you embraced
Become the flowers that painted you onto the night sky
I try to be close to you, but you vanish in my grasp... "snow blossom"
Over and over... to the night sky

I kept screaming

In hopes that it will reach you...

So I guess that I'm listening to sappy stuff that is making me think about how much I've been worrying about things lately. I've been preoccupied with other mundane but more important things in life to worry about putting anything up here really. I've been ill. I need to see a doctor, but alas cannot afford to because, well, I work for a place that doesn't have insurance. I'm certain I know exactly what is wrong with me. It's the same disease that my grandmother has and has been bed bound from for the past probably at least 7 years.

That prospect does not make me happy. Most of the time, about 5 years after the symptoms become apparent, the person is disabled. And there's not much that can be done about that. I'm stubborn though and will continue to work until I can't. I'll go crazy otherwise. Especially if I'm not able to use my hands like I can now. How do I know that's what I have without seeing a doctor? My fingers are twisting at odd angles and my hands look about 30 years older than they are. These are common symptoms. Does it hurt? Well, I had to make a trip to the ER several months ago because I basically couldn't walk due to the pain and swelling. Not that the ER workers were much help. They just kinda looked at my husband and I like 'meh', said "Fill this out, we'll call you when it's your turn." 5 hours later we left after a shot in my ass, (don't lie nurses, that was not my hip!) and the doctor that was in the room a total of 2 minutes looked briefly at my swollen hands, legs and feet from about 4 feet away and said, in broken english, "Not swoll, you go clinic. Arthritis." No joke. That probably sounds terrible, but sadly, it's the truth. That particular doctor is rather ineffective and I'm not the only person that's run into this doctor and had similar problems. The man couldn't even be bothered to sign the script for prescription strength naproxen.

My problems have been the least of my concerns though. My husband has been really ill and I've not been resting well due to it. He's worked one partial day in the last 2 weeks. I made him leave early because he was running a fever. He has a large lump on the side of his neck that he's going for an ultrasound for on Tuesday. He's been running high fevers and was on a twenty day course of 2 different antibiotics that did nothing. I made him go to the ER and they set him up with an appointment to follow up at the community health clinic. I can wait to see a doctor. He can't. I've not been sleeping well because I wake up at night and if I don't hear him I wake him up to make sure he's still breathing. That's how much it's been bothering me. So I'd say I've been too distracted to put anything of worth here lately. Maybe I'll find something worthwhile to write about.